Biggest Loser
Episode 8

Episode Report Card
admin: D+ | Grade It Now!
The Greatest Love of All

Last week, Jay was eliminated and Jen had a fit of crying. We pick up immediately after Jay leaves, because Sami has something to tell all of the contestants. Whatever it is, I'm sure it's dastardly. The Black Team enters the elimination room, and Sami notes that the teams are extremely important. The contestants compete with their teams, and weigh-in with their teams, however they get eliminated all by themselves. Except for this week, that is, because two players are being eliminated. The team that loses the weigh-in will have to vote someone off, but there's also going to be a dreaded Red Line -- a Dreadline? -- that the contestants will face as individuals. The Dreadline doesn't care about teams, and will just straight up eliminate the person with the lowest percentage of weight. The Dreadline is color blind. The Dreadline doesn't want to hear your sob story about your lack of support system at home. The Dreadline hates your mom. Nobody wants to fall below the Dreadline, obvs.

Cara and Brett visit with the Red Team and see that Jay is missing. Both Cara and Brett speak very highly of Jay, both for his personal qualities and his work ethic. Rulon tells the trainers about the Dreadline and double elimination. Brett is ready to beat his team members into oblivion to make sure that they don't lose two more players. To wit, he and Cara are taking the Red Team on a field trip. Before we can do one bicep curl, they wind up at a place called Bas Rutten's MMA System. Is this Nazi propaganda? I don't understand any of these words, but they sound vaguely sinister. Brett explains that they're at a mixed martial arts gym, run by famed Nazi sympathizer Bas Rutten. And I'm joking, obviously, but then we see a picture of Bas Rutten and it's all a little American History X for my taste. But Wikipedia tells me that Bas Rutten is just a nice Dutch man who was bulled in high school for having eczema on his hands. Rulon tells us that Bas Rutten was a commentator when he fought in Japan in 2004 for something called Pride Fight. Are these people gay Nazis? Do you lip sync for your life at Pride Fight? Are there floats? What the heck is even going on?

Gay Nazis or no, the training for the Red Team involves a lot of punching and kicking bags. Cara says she's going to push her team to the breaking point and beyond, because it's do or die time. The punching and kicking is mixed with shrill screaming, and it all gets very dramatic. And we're only six minutes into the episode! Brett tells us that his biggest objective this week is to protect Kaylee, who is very close to her target weight. He says it would be catastrophic if Kaylee went home, because she's a pulse of the team. Kaylee is motivated by the Dreadline, and says it's not an option to fall beneath it. Next, the Red Team members have to work with partners, and beat the shit out of each other with only pads standing between them and broken bones. This does not look fun to me. Austin tells us that there's a different energy in the studio, which is what happens when you beat the shit out of each other. It changes the dynamic, I think. Their third and final stop is the sparring room. Brett holds a pair of pads up, and the team members have to move differently depending on where he puts them. And whatever they do, Brett is going to fight back at them. So, more beating on each other. Apparently it burns a lot of calories. Wait an extra couple of minutes to break up that fight in the schoolyard and help conquer childhood obesity!

Cara announces that they have a surprise for Rulon. It's Mr. Bas Rutten himself. Rulon tells us that Bas is one of the most respected, well-known, diverse individuals in the fighting world. And I just called him a gay Nazi like 100 times. Some footage shows us that these MMA fighting guys wear shiny Speedos during their bouts. Don't you feel sometimes like all tough guy male sports are simply opportunities to release homoerotic energy? I mean, duh. To wit, we get a picture of Rulon during a Pride Fight in 2004 that looks exactly like he's engaging in some buttfuckery with a guy whose legs are totally behind his head. They're on the ground in a modified missionary position, people! And other straight guys just love watching this shit. Just go make out with a dude and/or watch some gay porn! You don't have to beat the shit out of anybody to find erotic happiness. Unless that's what you're into.

Anyway, Rulon got to beat the crap out of his MMA lover, and says it was truly an amazing experience. That's the last time he was truly physically engaged to be a fighter, and after that he stopped working out and caring about himself. Rulon says it's good to see Bas again, but also sad because he's so out of shape. Bas is proud of Rulon, and says it's insane that he lost the weight of a child in only seven weeks. Rulon is a winner, and heading straight to the goal. After his tete-a-tete with Bas, Rulon says he feels good about himself.

We then catch up with Jillian, Bob and the Black Team. Bob also doesn't want to lose two contestants from their team, and so redoubles his efforts to deliver severe beatings. Jillian caffeinates so she'll be better able to relish it when people throw up from fatigue. Bob takes Arthur for some one on one time, and notes that since he lost 20 pounds last week, Arthur is a huge risk for falling below the Dreadline. However, the breakthrough that he's had can carry him through this challenge. Arthur reminds us that all of his excess poundage makes everything -- even a simple jumping jack -- harder. It would be like trying to do a jumping jack with a 200-pound fanny pack dangling from your front. Arthur definitely seems a lot more focused than he has been, and much less douchey. Jesse says that we put limitations on ourselves by talking about the things we can't do. If we think we can do something, he says, chances are we can do it. Everyone is really motivated, and Bob hopes that they prevail against their ostensibly impossible task. Jillian has the whole lot of folks do sprints on the treadmill, in many cases going faster than they ever have. Courtney runs at a 12.0, which is very difficult for someone of her size. But everyone does it, and then they all feel great about themselves. Jillian says this has been a life-changing moment, because now all the team members have a glimpse at their potential. They got out of their own way and accepted that they can do it. Jillian interviews that they've all been running sprints at 8 or 9 miles an hour, but all along could have been doing twelve. She asks us what else in our lives we've been doing half-assed. God, I hate when she judges me through the screen.

Meanwhile, Moses is worried about Kaylee falling below the Dreadline. He tells us that he's going to wake her up early every morning -- 5:49 a.m. in the example that we see -- so the two of them can get in some extra workout time. Kaylee is not a morning person, and so is not thrilled about this whole situation. I'm with her. However, Kaylee tells us that it will all be worth it in the end when she and her dad are on campus for another week. As they're returning from the gym, they run into Cara, who awkwardly shills Fiber One bars. At least they didn't start her off with the Jennie-O. From what I've seen, I don't know that she'll ever be able to handle that one.

The contestants next head onto a football field that's filled with giant balls. Hannah tells us that it sounds bad to say that she's great with balls, but it's actually the truth. Sami tells everyone that they all have one thing in common -- they won't be there forever. At home they'll be faced with all kinds of distractions, and will have to learn to keep a lot of balls in the air. And that's exactly what they'll be doing today. Their goal is to get a set of six balls from one end of the field to the other. There are three basic rules: the ball can't touch the ground; you can't hit the ball twice in a row; and there's no catching of the balls. Also, everyone will be wearing boxing gloves. I think this would favor the Cara an

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