Biggest Loser

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Yes We Can

Hi all, and welcome to The Biggest Loser finale recap! I just prepped myself by eating so many Sweet Tarts that I feel ill. Jillian may have to come through the TV and have an intervention. The Sweet Tarts mask the pain! Anyhoo, former Biggest Losers have run marathons, biked across the country, fallen in love, and been on Oprah! Wait, and Dan from last season hit number seven on the country music charts? Seriously? Well give a pride on three and punch me in the throat!

Anyway, the show! Alison Sweeney is very pregnant and, as my friend Shelby pointed out, very shiny. But she's keeping her spirits up by wearing doilies on her boobs. This is a look that's very popular at Brady's Pub on a Tuesday night. She reminds us that this season was all about families -- specifically parents and children, and husbands and wives. Those born to it, and those sworn to it. One couple made it all the way to the end (well, sort of, given that Ed came back mid-season): Heba and Ed. And you -- America! -- voted one of them into the final three. Democracy in action!

But we can't find out who the third finalist is until we look back upon the journeys of our contestants, all of whom ate A LOT and realized that they had to make a change, yeah, and do it today. Everyone was very sad and unhealthy until they made it to the ranch and endured Bob and Jillian screaming at them. Then they were sad, too, but in a way that resulted in them being able to walk on a treadmill for more than three minutes. Four contestants remain in the game: Vicky, who lost 76 pounds on campus; Michelle, who lost 80 pounds on campus; Ed, who lost 83 pounds on campus and also noted at the beginning of the season that he could eat a couple of hundred wings, no problem (how would you EVER get your fingers clean?); and Heba, who lost 84 pounds on campus. And then we go back to the journeys of all of the contestants, to the tune of David Cook's "Time of My Life," which is way too reality-show meta for me to handle. And oh my God, these intros go on interminably! Montage overload!

Once the extended intro finally ends, Sami introduces the scale. The camera lingers lovingly on the scale for, like, 30 seconds. It's creepy, like some weird sort of Japanese giant-scale porn. In any case, the at-home contestant who lost the highest percentage of weight will win $100,000, while the member of the final three who lost the highest percentage of weight will win $250,000. And speaking of the final three, it's time to figure out if democracy worked for good a second time this year, or if Heba made it into the finals. Sami flubs her lines a bit and blames it on the brain-eating properties of her fetus, which seems about right. Heba emerges first and looks pretty fierce, but for the lack of a properly supportive brassiere. From the audience, last season's Bette-Sue is totally in awe of the droop. Heba reminds us that she and Ed want to have their own family, which was part of the motivation for coming on the show.

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Biggest Loser

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