Biggest Loser! Finale! Three. Motherchucking. Hours. Seriously, you guys, you think this is a good way to model getting rid of the chunk? We begin the show with a darkened stage upon which are ghosts of Losers past: Pete, Julie, Bernie (who is ridiculously adorable) and Michelle. Michelle is getting married in June and is looking fly. And this is just the start. Because there are 179 minutes left. It is going to take multiple bowls of Lucky Charms to get me through this. And ha! During the intro they flash to audience members holding signs, and linger on one that says, "Montessori hearts Biggest Loser"! That is exceptionally random, unless there's some sort of Montessori / Brita / Extra Sugar-Free Gum tie-in of which I'm unaware.
Sami greets us, styled like vintage Heather Locklear, and reminds us that this was, literally, the biggest Biggest Loser ever. Youngest, oldest, fattest, sickest. Season 7 had it all. Before we can see if it's Ron or Mike who makes it into the final three, we get a recap of the season thus far. Which: here you go. It's been a long season, you guys. I'm going to try to make this an expeditious three hours.After the recap, Sami introduces the scale. I hope that for season 8 they tweak the format a little, get rid of Sami, and instead having a talking robot scale that cracks wise when the contestants do poorly. He will affectionately be known as "Scaley," and have the voice of your GPS. In case you forgot, the winner of this show will get $250,000 and bragging rights. And now, the moment of truth. Ron and Mike fell below the yellow line, and America got to vote to determine the third finalist. Remember how Heba got massively punked last season? It was a moment that proved God exists. And now, Mike comes out! WOAH! Okay, he went overboard a little. He looks very, very skinny. And is wearing vertical stripes to accentuate his lanky frame. The dude might win, even if he had to become manorexic to do so. Also, newsflash: Max is still very large. Mike is adorable and humble and well on his way to becoming a lady killer. If you're looking for a Mrs. Robinson, kiddo, forget Helen and drop your friendly recapper a line at email@example.com. And then there's Ron! Ron is still a plus-sized gentleman, but much, much thinner. He's wearing a suit and looks good. It almost makes you forget how secretly evil he was. Ron says that no matter what happens, he and Mike have won. I bet he just clubbed Tara in the knee backstage. Sami teases us with the knowledge that she has the results of America's vote in her hands, then throws it to commercials.