Previously: This goddamn show was only an hour long and it was the best thing ever. This week we're down to five contestants, so naturally we have to pad that out to two bloated hours. This in a season where we barely saw half of the contestants for like five episodes. Now you want me to give a hell about these people? Sorry, rant over. Potes will be back next week and happily refreshed... or I'll hunt her down wherever she's vacationing and force her to eat Subway sandwiches until she agrees to take over recapping duties again.
Olivia and Hannah marvel at the shirts they wore when they arrived on the ranch. They look like when my kid steals my clothes. It's pretty impressive. They also think that they were underestimated and have somehow managed to make it to the finals. There is crying and they hope to be at the final weigh-in together.
Later, everyone is lounging around in the living room when they are "surprised" by the arrival of Allison. She tosses around an apple, which is like teasing starving wolves at this point. The apple is just to reference the fact that they have been learning, and that the trainers will be testing them? I can't concentrate on what Ali is trying to say because Irene is doing this weird/disgusting thing with her tongue. I find it all very upsetting. Anyway, there's math or something, because NBC loves to make reality watchers use the calculus they learned in high school in order to understand their programs. They will be spinning with Bob, "motivating" with Jillian, boxing with Kara and taking a health and wellness quiz with Brett. What? No Dr. Z testing them about how many medications a person can be on before they die? Olivia claims to be a book nerd, and Irene thinks she has an edge because she's been in school for eight years. I don't know that being in school that long is actually something to be proud of, unless she's racked up a bunch of degrees. Oh, and the winner gets 10 grand.
Irene has to teach Bob how to spin. It's a disaster, as she can't even properly show him how to adjust the seat. Hip height. This is not brain surgery. God, I hope she's not studying to be a brain surgeon. I also think Bob tries to claim he invented spinning, but maybe he means just his particular program, because my not-so-thoroughly researched Googling says that some guy named Johnny G created what has become my weekly torture session. Thank you, Johnny G... wherever you are. I love to hate you. Irene gets 72 pts. When Olivia comes in, she is very teacherly about the whole thing, and Bob is pleased. 100 pts. Jay's excited, and tells Bob that he wants to take the seat off. Bob looks shocked, as he's supposed to be pretending to be a beginner. He fails. 58 pts. Austin calls Bob "Lord of Spinning." Did the queen give him that title? He gets 95 pts. And little positive bings from the editors. Hannah also takes an actual instructor approach and earns herself 100 pts.