Biggest Loser

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Last Five Contestants Get Surprise Trip to Australia

What have you done today to make you feel proud? Well, I ate half a pot pie. Does that count? No. No it doesn't. Why does this show always make me feel like such a hoss?

We begin after last week's elimination. Sami tells the five remaining contestants that they've lost a cumulative 487 pounds, and eliminated 15 competitors. That's what they've done today to make them feel proud. Sami then goes on about The Biggest Loser being an international phenomenon, which airs in 90 countries. But America is the fattest of them all, I'm sure. God bless the U.S.A. But tomorrow, the final five losers will join the global community -- because they are going to Australia! That is going to be some kind of plane bloat. Bob and Jillian are already there, flushing the toilet to see if it really swirls in the opposite direction. Kelly is stoked, and Roger is excited to finally get a stamp in his passport. And now, like, they can fit in the seats! Oh, victory.

Back in their rooms, Ali whispers to Kelly that she wishes they could have gotten someone else. What she means is a doofus like Roger should not be allowed to partake in free international travel. Ali interviews that the women's victory was sweet, and that she's definitely making an alliance with Mark, Jay and Kelly to oust Roger. She and Kelly tell Mark that it's important that it not look like there's any kind of alliance. Mark interviews that he and Roger have been through a lot together, but Roger is his biggest competition. He says to Ali, "I guess I'm gonna go finish paaaacking," and sounds just like Rain Man. Meanwhile, Roger is a little resistant to go to Australia, because it will interfere with his training. He fears being kicked by a kangaroo. If I were him, I would fear the kick of the southern nocturnal Jillian even more.

Oh! And then there is product placement, and it is blessedly not for food but for Travelocity. Now with customer reviews! Oh. But wait. The contestants also pack almonds in Zip-Loc bags. But they do it without much fanfare, which is an improvement, at least. And HA! Mark actually packs two huge boxes of Zip-Loc bags in his luggage! Think of how the country -- nay, the continent -- of Australia will be revolutionized when they discover the miraculous plastic bag! From a country of convicts to one that can put 100 calories worth of food in a bag. It's a marvel.

Sydney! There are spiders, parrots, tall buildings, and bridges. And I spent some time in Sydney, so I can assure you that it's the greatest city on earth. Bob and Jillian go to meet Sami, as Jillian explains that both trainers have partaken in The Biggest Loser: Australia for several seasons. Jillian's hair looks especially good down under. Bob assures us that Australia has fat people, too. In fact, it's the second most overweight continent in the world. And what's number one? Bob tells us it's the U.S. of A. I'm sure he means "North America" and is just jetlagged or drunk on Australian Shiraz. It was hard on both Bob and Jillian to miss the last weigh-in and not know how their trainees did. Sami brings everyone out, and Jillian is all smiles. Bob, however, is sad to have lost Dan. He loved being around Dan, who made him feel young. I'm waiting for the "and stupid," but it never comes. Jillian is relieved that both of her girls are still there. Sami points out that Ali has won two of the last three weigh-ins. Jillian draws an imaginary target on her back. Ali interviews that some of the guys might see her as a threat as far as desire and the guts to go for it, and they're right.

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Biggest Loser

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