Biggest Loser

Episode Report Card
Angel Cohn: A- | Grade It Now!
Magic Hour

Olivia is up next -- she's in a silver gown, and has a short (SHORT!) haircut that actually really suits her. Her husband Ben is waiting around the corner; he's also lost 99 pounds. They are both super-skinny together. Aw, romance. Inside what looks like a Medieval Times, Olivia and Hannah and their loved ones all hug and kiss and cry.

Austin shows up, with his hair slightly more tamed, and his beard taken down to a manageable size. It's the Casey Abrams makeover, basically. He is sporting a tux and looks nice, and has a huge grin on his face. He sees his mom, who freaks out at seeing her son. She practically falls in the moat.

Irene arrives by carriage in a pink glittery nightmare that I'd make fun of if it was on the red carpet, but clearly, The Biggest Loser costume design team had a run on tulle and sequins and just went bananas. It's not like she picked this, and I'm going to say that Tim Gunn didn't either. Her hair has some highlights and is shoulder length and has a nice bounce to it. She's also sporting a big smile and is super-psyched to be playing princess. Her mom, Ana, who was on this show for half a second, is there and has lost 75 pounds. They compliment each other for a really long time.

Lastly is Jay. He's got on the most adorable bow tie and just looks nice and clean-cut, and thankfully skipped the toupée that he was playing around with. Bald is way more beautiful than a bad rug. His son Matthew is there, and he's crying. Is he the son that disowned his father because he didn't want to watch him die? Or am I confusing Jay with someone else? I must be confused because we don't see a flashback, and you know this show loves any chance to play a flashback.

Sami and Tim say that they have a surprise for the teams/families... it is OneRepublic. That is not a good surprise. At all. Actually, it's kind of the worst surprise possible. But these starved and worked-to-death people don't seem to mind and they dance their cares away to mellow fake rock. Austin and Sami dancing is kind of awkwardly adorable, which makes this scene mostly tolerable.

They are promising a never-before-seen weigh-in shocker coming up. Does someone lose a shit-ton of weight and/or gain two pounds? Because we've seen those scenarios unfold a lot, so they are gonna have to try hard to live up to their own hype.

On a beach, everyone is back in their sweaty workout gear, and she shows them a mini SUV they can win. Their challenge is to dig up one of 50 sandcastles that are car-shaped, get a box with a key in it, run a quarter of a mile, climb up a pier and then test to see if it opens. Then Sami goes all Oprah and says they are giving out two cars. Two! Because five would just be excessive. Irene wins one of the cars on her second try. She plans on giving the car to her mother, who drives a "hunk of junk." After an hour and 45 minutes, on the second-to-last key available, Olivia wins the second car.

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Biggest Loser




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