Biggest Loser

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One Team Surprised With Trip To Vegas

Mark and Jay discuss the situation in their room. Jay obviously wants Mark to go. Mark worries about leaving Jay by himself, and Jay is all, "I'm a 31-year-old man!" Mark starts bawling like Kelly. Jay says he'll do whatever Mark wants him to do. Mark is very conflicted. Jay thinks that if Mark had reached his goals, he'd go home, but he still has weight he wants to lose. He correctly points out that it's a game, and nobody wants to take themselves out of a game unnecessarily. Mark weeps that this is killing him. Oh, Lord. He worries that if he stays and puts up a shitty number next week, it won't be fair to Roger. Oh, who gives a fuck about Roger? Mark bawls and Jay hugs him. Jay secretly can't WAIT for Mark to leave. He promises to take it the rest of the way.

And then, it's like a scene from the fucking Godfather. Mark implores Roger to take care of Jay like he's his own brother. Roger gets choked up too and says he treats both of them like they're his brothers. Uh, except for the thing that happened, like, ten minutes ago. Roger says he won't turn on any of them, and he said that from day one. Mark BAWLS that he doesn't want to leave his brother, and he always thought they'd go through this together. The decision to forego that meeting with Jillian's mom looks worse and worse with each passing moment and glistening tear droplet. Mark meets with the rest of the Blue Team and says it's not fair to send Roger home. He doesn't know why he hit a wall -- it could have to do with the injury he has. Now Jay starts bawling. Mark tells everyone to vote for him, including Jay. He emotionally says, "You are my brothers. I love you all." Roger hugs Mark and weeps, "I love you." Do they think they're in fucking Nam or something? Jesus H. And of course, no emotional meltdown would be complete without a pride on three.

I can't take this shit anymore, so I'm just going to cut to the chase. In the elimination room, everyone eulogizes Mark, then votes for him. It's so over-the-top ridiculous, I can't even tell you. It's like Enrique Iglesias came in and sang "Hero," and then Mariah Carey came in and sang her version of "Hero," and then Boyz II Men joined her to serenade Mark with "One Sweet Day" as he exited the elimination room. And then Celine Dion sang a cover version of "Holding Out for A Hero" over a montage of Mark working out. And then confetti fell from the sky. And that confetti was shaped like a silhouette of Mark. And it started to rain inside the elimination room, but it wasn't really rain. It was the tears of Jesus. And then Jesus sang "You'll Never Walk Alone" from Carousel. And it was the best fucking version of "You'll Never Walk Alone" that you've ever heard. But it still wasn't as good as David Archuleta singing "Imagine." Sorry, Jesus. The kid has a gift. But it was all for Mark, a hero of our time. Imagine there's no Mark. It's easy if you try.

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Biggest Loser




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