Biggest Loser
Season 12, Episode 1

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A Battle for the Ages

Picture it: California Desert, outside Death Valley. Someone...is going to DIE. And that someone is me, of sadness, because there is no more Jillian. But hey, if Anna Kournikova is as good a trainer as she is a tennis player...well, let's just say we'll have a long season ahead. There are, like, choppers and military vehicles, and then Sami voices over to tell us what we already know -- that the show is back. We're watching it, duh. Sami tries to force us into being terrified of the obesity epidemic that's sweeping across the country, and then points out the fifteen ordinary people who will attempt something extraordinary. For these men and women, the quest for a new life begins...on a bus. If I ever embark on a quest for a new life, I certainly hope it doesn't involve public transportation.

We meet Courtney, a 24 year old whose current weight is 270 pounds. She's from Scottsdale, and is and always has been single. While this tale of woe is certainly compelling, the "I've never had a boyfriend" track isn't going to rate when you have people who have, like, lost both eyeballs and a thumb in a freak combine accident and drowned their sorrows in homemade pies. Courtney is tired of feeling like she's not good enough, and tired of wondering what life would be like if she lost some weight. She wants to feel sexy and vibrant and all that good stuff. Then there's Joe, also known as "Daddy Joe," who is 46 and 348 pounds. He's got three kids, and doesn't want to die. That's fair. Then there's Becky, 50, who weighs 238 pounds. Her dad is dealing with congestive heart failure, and two of her children are overweight. She wants to set the example, so that her family can continue this journey together.

The Bus O' Losers finally stops in the desert, and Jessica, 26 and 254 pounds, steps off. Jennifer, 39 and 330 pounds, follows, and notes that they are in the middle of a vast desert that's dry as Astronaut Ice Cream. 27 year old Ramon, who weighs 355 pounds, wonders what the heck is in store for them. The bus drives off. Maybe they're going to have to walk back to L.A.! Patrick, 25 and 387 pounds, wonders what they're supposed to do. Pretty soon they're going to start seeing Slim Jim-filled mirages. From way over yonder they see a vehicle approaching. It stops in front of them, and out steps Allison Sweeney, also known as Sami Brady thanks to her long-running role on Days of Our Lives. Sami has really turned into quite the relatively competent host, hasn't she? I feel so proud. Vinny, who is 27 and weighs 426 pounds, totally has the hots for Sami. She does look super extra cute with her two pigtails.

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Biggest Loser

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