Biggest Loser
Season 12, Episode 1

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A Battle for the Ages

Meanwhile, the oldsters are still walking. They can technically see the finish line, but are still rather far. Anna runs out to meet them, which endears her to her new team. The other contestants run out to meet them too, despite the fact that right now they all probably just want to sit the fuck down. Respect for elders, though: I dig it. The older team is crying and shit, because they're so moved. Ramon says that the Season 12 contestants are one big family. We'll see how that goes once they start having to write names on room service plates. The oldsters cross the finish line, and heretofore will be known as the Blue Team. Sami tells everyone that they've taken their first Biggest Loser steps here, and it's also the site where they'll take their last. In a few months, both the remaining and eliminated contestants will come back to this site to run a marathon. It makes me thirsty just thinking about it. John, who is 40 and over 400 pounds, tells us that the idea of him running a marathon is just foolish thinking. I like his negativity. He might want to buck up and start jogging, though, because the winner of the marathon will automatically be a finalist. Biggest Loser, mixing it up! This doesn't make me miss Jillian less. Ramon is excited about the opportunity, noting that he has the chance to win $250,000 and be the baddest dude in the world.

After a break, the contestants make it to the ranch, where the trainers wait for them. Mmm, Dolvett. Vinny correctly intuits that they're about to get their asses kicked. They head into the very fancy gym, which now has posters of former contestants emblazoned on the wall, accompanied by motivational words. The posters are so ugly, you guys. But the contestants seem to like them. Bob apparently took some sadism lessons from Jillian before she left, and wastes no time beginning to gleefully kick some asses. He says, "Look at all these little bitty babies in this house. I love it." Dolvett, meanwhile, tells his young people that day one on the ranch is a new beginning, a new attitude and a new drive. He then gives them a little talk about the importance of breath control. If you control your breath, he says, you control your body. I am already learning things from Dolvett! Swoon. Dolvett tells us that the pressure is on him. He's not a seasoned veteran like Bob, and America doesn't know him. This is his opportunity to prove not only that he's qualified, but that he's overqualified. Soon enough, Dolvett goes into military yelling guy mode in the gym. Vinny compares him to the Incredible Hulk, transforming from Mr. Cool to Mr. In Your Face. Boy, can he look mean when he wants to.

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Biggest Loser

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