Biggest Loser
Season 12, Episode 13

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Train Wreck

It's the Biggest Loser finale! With host Allison "Sami" Sweeney! Isn't she, like, totally your favorite part of the show now? Other than Dolvett's abs? Sami promises that there are some surprises in store for us tonight. One is that the show's new theme song has been written by inexplicable Grammy-winners Train. And they are here to perform the song, despite the fact that the asshole lead singer hasn't been able to find his comb or shampoo for the last three weeks. Seriously, what is his problem? You're on national TV! The only way this is excusable is if this is his "rock bottom" and he's heading to rehab tomorrow. The song is about as shitty as you'd expect, I'm sorry to say. Train plus inspirational stories equals nuclear holocaust.

It's then time for a montage of the season's events. Three trainers, battle of the ages, sad people, death's door, inspirational moments, etc. The players altogether lost over 1,500 pounds, which is pretty crazy. They lost, like, the equivalent of a whole elementary school. And tonight it's down to the final three! There's NFL star Antone, flesh robe wearer John and lovestruck marathon champion Ramon. Sami totally punks us by asking if we want to see them, and then revealing only their silhouettes behind some screens. CAN YOU FEEL THE EXCITEMENT? No, me neither.

After a break, it's time for Sami to have a tête-à-tête with our three trainers, Anna, Dolvett and Bob. They're all so hot -- it's not even right. Dolvett and his pocket square feel like a million bucks tonight, and Sami asks them if they had a clue how excited and crazy the live studio audience would be. They had maybe one or two clues, in the form of flashing lights instructing the audience to clap like insane people. Sami asks Anna how the contestants are feeling right now. What, she's a clairvoyant? Ask Anna why she's not coming back next season! Anna basically wants to get the show on the road so she can go back into retirement. Sami asks Bob to tell the audience what they're in store for tonight, and Bob says that everybody is going to FREAK OUT. Wouldn't it be great if some horrible audience member really did have an episode of some sort and they had to stop the proceedings?

And then it's time for some contestants to come out! Johnny is first. Not to be rude, but he might be fatter than when we first saw him. He's definitely auditioning for a part in The Music Man with that barbershop quartet hat. Boston Johnny and Andre Leon Talley: two of a kind with their matching belle chapeaus. Oh! And it's Becky! She looks really fabulous, though unfortunately decided to go with a red satin dress that is particularly brutal on the tummy pooch. And then there's Jessica, looking ever more like Natalie Maines. Oh! And it's skinny Vinny! He looks fantastic, truly. Sami tells us that all twelve eliminated contestants have already been weighed in. For the first time, only the top three at-home Losers will climb the scale and face off for the $100,000 prize. Yes, that's the exciting surprise twist. It's basically the same as it's always been, but with less bleep-bloop-blooping and more real clothes.

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Biggest Loser

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