Biggest Loser
Season 12, Episode 4

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My Blue Tears

The challenge begins! It's, like, the least exciting challenge ever to watch. It's just people scurrying around and passing a box back and forth. I don't know. The Red Team takes a solid lead, while the Blue Team laments their general condition. Soon enough, the contestants get to the snowy segment of the course. Ramon is from Colorado, so is not fazed. Courtney slips and slides a little, however. The Black Team makes up some ground during the snowstorm, and gains on the youngsters. It's like little bugs scrambling around with a big, tasty crumb. A crumb for the soul. A triumphant crumb. The Blue Team is far behind, but is determined to finish. Bonnie has, like, never seen snow, so that's a fun adventure.

The Black Team has taken a bit of a lead going into the wind area. Everyone acts like they've never lived through a windy day before. And then there's rain, which is the final obstacle. The teams have to climb over some giant tree limbs and through mud. Harrowing! The Black and Red teams persevere. Triumph of the spirit! The Black Team still has a lead, but must trek up a very steep hill to get to the finish line. The Red Team tries to gain, but can't do it. The Black Team wins the most boring challenge ever. Congrats, middle-aged people. They're all wet and shit, but happy that they're going to get their letters soon.

But we're still not done. There are more triumphs of the spirit to be had! The Blue Team trucks through the elements, and we have a special moment of celebration for Bonnie, who is now able to walk through various manufactured weather and up a steep hill. For a moment I think about how hilarious it would be to see her roll backwards down the hill, but in the end I'm very glad it doesn't happen. Everyone is extremely proud of Bonnie, and she's proud of herself too! Then, as if there isn't enough crying, Sami announces that everyone gets to read their letters. Happy tears galore! The winning Black Team gets a bonus -- video chats with their loved ones. Aw, man, are we going to have to watch them? I just cannot even deal with that shit right now. Cut to the weigh-in, already! Frankly, I'm a little concerned that I'm this cranky and it's only the fourth episode of the season.

After a break, it's video chat time. Sigh. Sunny has, like, 100 kids. She shows them her butt. Antone has a bunch of kids, too, one of whom has a loose tooth. Apparently, the going rate for a tooth these days is $5! I wonder how the Tooth Fairy has managed the inflation in these difficult economic times. Joe has just two kids, while John has one and a half. Sunny's family is excited to hear that she's working with Bob, and that she's lost 32 pounds. Ditto for everyone else. All the families are very supportive. John's wife asks him how he's keeping himself motivated, and he starts to cry. Joe cries too, and his wife assures him that it's all going to be worth it. It's finally sinking in for him that he deserves his wonderful family. One of Antone's daughters starts crying, then tries in vain to convince him that they are happy tears. He's intent on staying dry-eyed, though, because he doesn't want his family to worry about him. I think that's the right call. Stay steely! Of course, I am biased because I'm dead inside. It's what recapping fifteen seasons of America's Next Top Model will do to you. After he signs off, Antone cries a bunch. At least he's not lying on the floor!

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Biggest Loser

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