Biggest Loser

Episode Report Card
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A Change Will Do You Good

The young team is up first, and the dishes they have are Jessica's favorite Caesar salad with extra dressing and bread; Ramon's dozen tacos with a side of two burritos; and Vinny's grandma's country breakfast featuring chocolate gravy. Chocolate gravy! Let us proclaim now that Vinny's grandma is an evil genius. The three youngsters do the calculations as best they can in their heads. Jessica guesses 6,200 calories, Vinny guesses 9,000, and Ramon guesses 2,570. Sami is astounded at Ramon's optimism. It turns out that Jessica's salad is 2,259 calories, the box of tacos is 3,100 calories, and Vinny's breakfast is 1,747 calories. Vinny doesn't have it so bad by comparison! Jessica's guess is closest, and she chooses Dolvett to be her trainer. Vinny is not an idiot, and so chooses Bob. This leaves an upset Ramon with Anna. Even his hormones at the thought of close proximity to a pretty lady can't trump the displeasure of Anna getting up in his grille about his relationship with Jessica, and he doesn't want to talk to her, much less train with her.

The middles are next for the calorie guessing game. Antone's favorite food is a big cheeseburger and fries that frankly looks delicious. John's food choice is three double-patty cheeseburgers. THREE! And Sunny's favorite food is cheese enchiladas with refried beans, Spanish rice, and chips and salsa. That looks delicious too, and super trashy like it's straight from Chi-Chi's. Antone guesses that the whole shebang is 7,000 calories. Sunny guesses 6,500, while John guesses 5,720. It turns out that Antone's burger is 2,165 calories, John's three burgers equal 2,512 calories, and Sunny's enchilada platter is 4,162 calories. Oh, shit! Antone is actually a little impressed that Sunny could down that in one sitting. Those chips are made of straight lard. The total for the whole table is 8,839 calories, which means that Antone wins the round. He chooses Bob for his trainer, of course. Sunny is slightly suspect in her reasoning for choosing Anna, which is that she'd really love to have Anna's body. Good luck with that. Anna is a robot from outer space and the physical perfection of her body can never be achieved by actual humans. John gets Dolvett by default and looks extremely unhappy. He blames this on not liking change, and tells us that he's starting at square one. You are not! You already lost 100 pounds! I wish these people would shut up and get on the treadmill already. God.

Finally, there are the olds. Becky loves herself some pepperoni pizza, Bonnie's favorite meal is veal cutlets with baked mac and cheese, and Joe's favorite is what's called an Italian sampler -- it has lasagna, chicken parm, meatballs, pasta, breadsticks, a Caesar salad and a side serving of Lipitor. Joe guesses that all of the foods have 8,580 total calories, Becky guesses 6,850 and Bonnie guesses 9,114. The "14" is in tribute to the day that she and her husband got married, which is at once sweet and weird. It turns out that Becky's pizza is valued at 2,640 calories, the veal is 1,793 calories, and the Italian feast is 2,975 calories. That's a lot less than I expected, actually. The total is 7,408 calories, which means that Becky is closest. Becky is smart, and so chooses Bob. Joe wonders if his whole life is for naught. He gets to choose next, and bases his decision on how the teams are currently configured. He goes with Anna's Blue Team, and Bonnie actually thanks him! Ha! She sure hates her some Anna. Bonnie is THRILLED to join Dolvett's team, and says that as far as she's concerned today is the first day of the rest of her life on the ranch. She is literally crying from happiness. I fear that poor Anna will be out of a job soon.

Biggest Loser

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