Final heat! It's between the Blue Team, sister and brother Daphne and Adrian, and the Pink strangers. One team will win, and the other will go home before they even begin. Each team steps up on a barrel-esque platform, and Sami says that the last team standing will win. So, it's a battle of willpower. There is not much room on the barrel platform, particularly if you have two 300-plus pound people on top and have to stand on your tip-toes. The team members clutch each other and try not to fall. Daphne starts to chant the name of her kids and Adrian's kids for motivation. We get montage confirmation that everyone has a pretty sad story and wants very much to be on the ranch. Kim is shaking and crying, but eventually it's Daphne who steps out of her little foot holster and loses it for the Blue Team. The Pink Team is on the ranch, and we are also left with a whole lot of white people. Sorry, but it's true. Daphne and Adrian are forced to watch as all the other teams go through the wooden gates and they are stranded outside. But wait! It's not quite over yet. Sami tells them that one month from today, they'll have a chance to earn a spot on campus. If they can lose 50 pounds as a team, they get to come back. Daphne still does not look thrilled, but Adrian is keeping hope alive.

After a break, it's daytime on the ranch! Sami warns the contestants of impending brutality, and then introduces them to the folks who will be brutalizing them: trainers Bob and Dolvett. Dolvett arrives standing on the outside of a helicopter, while Bob approaches by zooming in on a motorcycle. It's too much testosterone, I say! But I really am glad that Dolvett has stuck around. If anything, he seems even more sculpted this time around. He inspires me to write poetry, such as: "I think that we shall never get / A trainer lovely as Dolvett." Several ladies have to fan themselves, and I am among them. Sami explains that the contestants will get to spend two hours to get to know the trainers, and at the end of that time will have to pick one of them. There's a new gym courtesy of Planet Fitness, and Dolvett announces that each contestant will get a free membership. I wonder if the poor Blue Team will get that as well. They're the ones who could actually use it!

The contestants do little workouts with Bob and Dolvett, and Bob notes that no one this season is super-huge to the point of 400-plus pounds. Still, he says, big is big. There is lots of in-gym yelling, and Dolvett puts on a crazy show for the contestants and the cameras. Bob busts Purple Team Megan on her fake puking, and tells us that if your dinner isn't coming out of your mouth, you needs must get back on the treadmill. But then there is actual puking. A lot of it. Brown Team Ben explains that you might think that Bob is the nice one, but in fact he's an evil man. Gray Team Mark has pulled his hamstring, and fears what this means for his weight loss potential. Dolvett assures him that he can still do it, and makes Mark promise that he won't disappoint him or his son Chism. And while we're on the subject, isn't "Chism" the weirdest name? It makes me think simultaneously of jism, schism, and a chasm. And also chimes. Basically, every time he's on screen I just feel really confused. Santa gets a serious workout and a "ho ho ho" from Bob, and then collapses on the floor. He's fine, though. Santa's real name is Roy, and Mrs. Claus is Christine. I can't understand a word he says through that beard. But Bob loves him some Santa, and makes Roy promise to put him on the "nice" list.