There is then a very dramatic ceremony in which the contestants get to pick their trainers. The breakdown goes like this: Dolvett's team comprises: Conda, Kim, Mike, Roy, Nancy, Buddy, Megan, Mark, and Lauren. Bob's team comprises: Jeremy, Emily, Joe, Christine, Cassandra, Ben, Kim, Chism, and Gail. There's a hilarious moment in which it is revealed that grandma Nancy is totally hot for Dolvett, and Bob points out that she already has thirteen children and obviously only thinks about sex. Indeed, there are some fertile people in attendance this season. Dolvett's team is given red shirts, while Bob's team is black. And then Brian Williams takes a moment to let us know that Ron Paul, Rick Santorum, and Mitt Romney are all about even in Iowa. Doesn't hearing those three names in succession just make you hate everything in existence? It's a real Morrissey-esque "come, come nuclear bomb" moment for me.

When we return, it's unfortunately time for a tête-à-tête with Dr. "Six Feet Under" Huizenga, bearer of bad and worse news. He meets with Buddy and Ben, the heaviest and sickest of all the teams. Some cardiac imaging is conducted, and surprise, there's some calcified plaque in the arteries happening. Dr. H. tells everyone that losing 100 pounds or more on The Biggest Loser has proven to be a successful strategy for reducing cholesterol plaque, and Buddy resolves to be a part of that positive statistic.