Biggest Loser
Season 13, Episode 18

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Jennie...Oh.

Chism is up first, and goes from 361 pounds to 258, for a loss of 103 pounds or 28.53%. He flexes his arms, but it doesn't have quite the effect that he thinks it does. Also, though a 100 pound loss is impressive for anyone, that percentage should be small potatoes (or low-calorie potato substitute?) at finale time. This group overall does not have the kind of outlandish (and quite possibly unhealthy) numbers that we've seen in some seasons past. I do think part of that is because this group started off quite a bit smaller. I mean, not in Chism's case, but still. Next we have Nancy, who almost falls off the scale in her haste. That would have been the greatest, right? No, wait. It would be the greatest if CONDA fell off the scale. Hey, a girl can dream. Nancy goes from 217 to 161, for a loss of 56 pounds. That's 25.81%, and Chism remains the frontrunner. An unrecognizable Cassandra is next. She really looks great, and also has a giant tattoo on her arm! Cassandra goes from 239 pounds to 147, for a loss of 92 pounds. At 38.49%, she's just crushed Chism. Cassandra smiles really wide for a prolonged period of time, until her face completely swallows her eyeballs. She has been blinded by her joy!

The mysterious Ben is next, and goes from 396 to 257, for a loss of 139 pounds. That is a respectable 35.10%, but not enough to best Cassandra. Next up we have Daphne, who goes from 271 to 183 for a loss of 88 pounds. That's 32.47%, which means that Cassandra is still in the lead. After a quick break, Cassandra tells a fascinating tale of how she tried on a bikini and realized she loved herself. That's not usually how things go, is it? Anyway, she's already won. Metaphorically. Kind of. She's at least had a triumph of the spirit. Next on the scale is Adrian, who lost weight but gained enough pride not to wear his ascot with a t-shirt. Adrian goes from 370 to 262 for a loss of 108 pounds. That's 29.19%, and Adrian says he's feeling great. He thanks us for our support, even though it's by default. And then he keeps talking, which is awkward, because there's obviously no time for that. We cut away so we don't see the giant hook dragging him off stage. You know, I've been trying to figure out who Cassandra reminds me of post-makeover, and I think it's a combination of Jewel and Tatum O'Neal. I mean that in a good way, I think.

Emily is up next, and we learn that she is Cassandra's BFF. Will she become a frenemy if she bests her weight loss percentage? We are about to find out! Emily goes from 264 to 162, for a loss of 102 pounds, which is exactly what she needed to take the lead! She has lost 38.64%, and sends Cassandra back to the couch. Next up is Megan, who has a really fabulously tiny waist. She goes from 259 to 183, for a loss of 76 pounds or 29.34%. Emily maintains her lead as Kimmy approaches the scale. Miss Alison Sweeney puns that Kimmy is a nurse, but she looks sick. Not literal sick, but hot-sick. Sickening, in drag parlance. Kimmy goes from 219 to 148, for a loss of 71 pounds. That's 32.42%, which is not enough to displace Emily. Ali Sweeney asks Bob to say a few words about Emily, and he says that he couldn't be more proud. Emily is all, "Haha I love you too," because she's trying to act like she wasn't Bob's obsessed stalker all season. He'd better hope that Mike lost half his body weight, because there's no telling what Emily can do if she has significant monetary resources.

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