It's time for the live finale! Hooray! Ali Sweeney comes out in a fly dress and tells us that it's been a banner season, purely by virtue of the fact that no one tried to stage a walk-out. Also, Jackson. Oh, and the kids. And us, the viewers, who managed to get up off the couch long enough to do a few jumping jacks. Triumph of the spirit!

And then it's time for the first of many montages. Fifteen contestants! The return of Jillian! Kids! Tales of inspiration! People saying that they are more than good enough! Pam's dancing! People falling off of buildings! We are reminded that Danni and Jeff have earned themselves spots in the finals, and that America voted to elect either Jackson or Joe as the third finalist.

And then the trainers emerge! Jillian sadly is not wearing her Puffy Shirt of yore, and I am tempted to both turn off the television and stop this recap in protest. She should wear the Puffy Shirt always (even though she currently looks SO FLY), even in the gym as a means of adding additional wind resistance to various aerobic activities. Ali does the useless seconds-long Q&A with each trainers, where nobody says anything of import or consequence. There is one amusing moment when Ali asks what the dynamic is like between the trainers, and Jillian says that she especially enjoyed the bromance/simmering sexual tension between Dolvett and Bob on the ropes course. Us too, Jilly Bean!

And then it's time to learn the result of America's vote! In her introduction of Jackson, Ali notes that he's the show's first openly gay player. Crazy, right? Jackson emerges from backstage and looks great! You guys, he is SO CUTE. I mean, he was always cute, but now he's beaming and confident and baby-faced and hot. I hope he's got that Grindr account all set up. Jackson talks about his volunteer work at the youth center, and how his new healthier lifestyle has inspired the kids that he works with to be healthier. Ali totally wants to squeeze him with love. ME TOO! Jackson notes that he's gotten a lot of positive reaction from fans, who loved and appreciated him even while he was bent over the puke bucket.

And then there's Joe! Holy crow, is he skinny! With his svelte figure, he looks a little like Craig T. Nelson. Joe has also had positive reaction from fans, and is maybe a little woozy from hunger at this moment. He tears up as he talks about the amazing experience being on the show, and how he and Jackson have been in it together since the beginning. And then we learn that it's Jackson who's going on to the finale! Of course. Joe seems great, but how can you compete against that adorable vomit machine? Jackson tears up and thanks us all, while Joe seems to like his chances for the at-home prize.

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