Now that the teams are set, it's time for the first weigh-in. The scale does not look supersized, even though this is the biggest season ever. I'm surprised they didn't have to get a new, bigger building to hold them all, actually. Estella is up first on the scale, solo since Jerry's still at the hospital. She's starting at 242 pounds. Estella and Jerry are the White Team, which means she's doomed to look dingy and wan all season. Maybe this is to cleverly disguise Jerry's true state of health and make us worry even more? The Pink Team is next. Helen weighs in at 257 while Shannon is 283 pounds. Their combined total is 540 pounds. Then we have the Purple Team, Cathy and Kristin. Cathy weighs in at 293 pounds, while Kristin is 360. This actually makes her the biggest woman ever to be on the show, according to Sami. By 62 pounds! Kristin interviews that her weight is more than that of defensive linemen for the Green Bay Packers. Too bad NFL recruiters don't frequent the ranch.
The Yellow Team, Mandi and Aubrey, are next. Mandi weighs 263 pounds, while Aubrey is 249. That's 512 pounds total. Mandi starts crying and confesses that she doesn't even let her husband see her like this. By "like this" I think she means in a yellow sports bra and unflattering shorts. Good call on her part. Next up is the Red Team, Nicole and Damien. Nicole is 269 pounds, while Damien weighs 381 pounds. That's 650 pounds total. Nicole cries, and says that she's been faking it for so long, like everything's okay. But now that she's met the man of her dreams she doesn't want to fake her life anymore. The Green Team, Laura and Tara, weigh 285 and 294 respectively, and 579 combined. They cry, too, as you do on the big scale. Then we have Filipe and Sione. Filipe weighs in at 364, while Sione is 374 pounds. Bob looks mortified. That's 736 pounds altogether. Even heavier are Blaine and Dane, the Black Team. Blaine weighs 365 -- one pound for each day of the year -- while Dane weighs a whopping 412 pounds. That's 777 pounds. What a lucky combined weight! They should totally skip the last chance workout and go play the slots. Then we have the Brown Team, Mike and Ron. Mike weighs 388, while Ron is 430 pounds. That's 818 pounds altogether. I think we're building up to a really, really heavy combined weight here, folks.