Biggest Loser

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Large and In Charge

Hey! Jillian and Bob are in OUR FACES! We are a nation of FATTIES! Try going for a walk, fatties! Try saying, "No thanks, Big Mac, I'm going to enjoy some broccoli today!" And for God's sake, STOP EATING ICE CREAM WHILE YOU WATCH THIS SHOW! On this last point, do you think it's more acceptable to just keep drinking wine continuously? Antioxidants, bitches! God, between this and Oprah's "Best Life Ever" week, I feel like all of television is staging a collective intervention.

Anyway, as you may have heard, this is the biggest season ever. And by biggest season, we mean that there are 11 couples weighing 3.5 tons. Including the oldest couple to ever make the show, the biggest woman ever to make the show, the youngest man ever to make the show, the heaviest contestant ever, and, and, unfortunately, the sickest person ever to make the show. Basically, everyone is about to die. Wheeeeee! And this is their now. They may not have a later, apparently, so let's hope they enjoy it.

And now it is time for the official show to begin. Right now (well, right at the point of taping), 11 couples are in a Hollywood hotel room waiting to find out if they made The Biggest Loser. Well, since we just saw that 11 couples are on the show, this is a pretty foregone conclusion, right? Right.

We meet Carla and Joelle, 36 and 41, respectively, who are best friends and known as Team Get Gorgeous G Squared. Let's hope they don't remind us of their moniker too often. They are out to eliminate, but not destroy. We also meet cousins Sione, 29, and Filipe, 27. Their parents are from the island of Tonga, where culturally it's normal to be big. They want to change the mentality of the Polynesian people and let them know that it's okay to be skinny. How many people totally want to go on vacation in Tonga this year and let it all hang out with pride? Then there are best friends Daniel, 19, and David, 23. Daniel is the aforementioned biggest person to ever be on the show. He says that he knows if he doesn't change he won't make it past 25 or 30. That is pretty sad, man. We then meet grandparents Estella and Jerry, both 63. They have three kids and four grandchildren together and have apparently been married quite a long time. Then we have cousins Dane and Blaine, both 28. Both are married with three kids, and Blaine has another one on the way. They want to be healthy for their families. And then, with those names, maybe start a newly skinny boy band.

The losers travel by bus to the ranch and everyone cheers and/or cries. We meet Shannon, 29, and Helen, 49, a mother/daughter team. They always made dates to start diets together but none of them stuck... until now! Well, we hope. We also have a father/son team, Ron and Mike, who are 54 and 18, respectively. The contestants enter the gym where they meet Sami. Filipe is excited to actually be there, at the 24 Hour Fitness gym, where Bob and Jillian kill people! Sami tells the contestants that it's time for them to get their very first workout. And what better way to test what they're really made of than to ask them to do it alone? What Sami means is, their first workout will be without trainers. This is basically an exercise to see how pathetic everyone is when it comes to knowing how to work out. There is lots of stretching and walking very slowly on the treadmills. And surprise, Bob and Jillian are watching via hidden camera. They note that it's chaos in the gym, but find this whole experience to be quite insightful. Jillian says that she expected the contestants to be lost in the gym, and in their lives, but for the first time in the history of the show she looked at the contestants and thought, "Wow. These guys are big." I mean, on a show that by design is all about very, very large people, that's saying something. Bob tells us that this is the reality of America. Oh, didn't they make us feel bad enough about ourselves at the beginning of the show? At least we know we're free.

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Biggest Loser

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