Biggest Loser

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No Pain, No Loss

Hello, friends, and welcome to season eight of The Biggest Loser! It will doubtlessly pale in comparison to the two-part Oprah Winfrey/Whitney Houston interview, but what doesn't? Unless Jillian is going to spray-paint evil eyes on her team members' bedroom walls. Then it might at least rate on the same scale. But where was I? Oh, yes. Jillian and Bob are already telling us that we're fat. I am eating a bowl of Lucky Charms in defiance. Just like old times.

We jump into meeting the contestants. First to tell us his story is Al, a firefighter from Columbus, Ohio. People could potentially burn to death due to his fat ass, which he understandably takes pretty hard. Several other contestants tell us that they're ready for their second chances, and in some cases their last chances, to get healthy. And there's one contestant who's getting a special kind of second chance -- it's Dan from last season! He was the heaviest contestant ever and showed an incredible level of determination, but was thwarted by his Chinese buffet-loving d-bag of a partner. Dan is back and ready to finish what he started! We get previews of the season, which promise sweat, tears and drama, along with lots of verbal abuse from Bob and Jillian. Hooray!

The intro for this show is so long and weird that I never know what is just a preview and what I have to recap. So maybe I'm going to hold off on telling you about the woman whose name we don't yet know who lost both of her kids in a car accident two years ago. Can't they just start like a normal show?

Okay, now I think we're really starting. The contestants are on a bus, clearly pumped about the commencement of Season 8. Dina, a 28-year old custodian, is excited about this new beginning. Sean, 29, is a youth pastor from Tulsa who explains his feelings as "nerves and excitement wrapped up into the unknown." Sean appears to have a more symmetrical version of Rosie O'Donnell's coming-out hair. Let's hope he makes it to the makeover episode. He has two little kids and one on the way, so he needs to get healthy, but quick. Alexandra, a 20-year-old college student, has been overweight her whole life. She can barely fit into chairs in her classes, which obviously makes her feel not so great. Danny, 39 years old from Broken Arrow, Oklahoma, was a rock star when he was younger. Now he feels like somebody -- or a whole bunch of fat cells -- has stolen his dream. He physically can't do the things he wants to do. Liz, 49, has nine grandchildren, and wants to live to see them make her a great-grandma someday. We then meet Mo, 56, who has six children and five grandchildren, and was an athlete in college. He coaches kids now and loves it, but is physically unable to keep up with them. Tracey, a 37-year-old homemaker, was driven to drinking Hershey's syrup out of the bottle when her Marine Corps husband was gone a lot. [Delicious! - Zach]

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Biggest Loser

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