Finally, the contestants make it to the ranch and are greeted by Sami. They're all giddy with excitement. FOR NOW. Sami looks extra great this season, I have to say. And she's infused with a new sense of gravitas. The contestants enter the gym, which is devoid of equipment except for small, team-colored mats. Sami says that there are surprises around every corner. For example, they're about to compete in their very first challenge. And maybe someone will actually die this time! Pray to the Ratings Gods, NBC! A curtain opens to reveal bicycles. Sami tells the contestants that today each team will have to ride 26.2 miles -- marathon length, in other words -- on a bike. The first nine teams to finish 26.2 miles earn a spot in the house. The two teams who finish last will be asked to leave the campus immediately. Oh, man. If I had to step on a scale in front of my entire hometown and then didn't even get to stay on campus for one lousy week...well, probably I'd go home and eat cheese. And never come out of my house again. SO WRONG! The contestants also think this is a load of crap. The team that wins gets immunity at this week's weigh-in, of course.

The contestants get on the bikes, and Sami points out that there are medical staff on hand. It's probably just Dr. Huizenga, telling them that they're going to die. The challenge begins, and many contestants look immediately miserable. The Green Team takes an early lead, and the Gray Tongans look upon Migdalia and Miggy in temporary awe, with a plan to overtake them as soon as they inevitably poop out. Michael looks mightily uncomfortable. Actually, everyone looks mightily uncomfortable. Miggy makes childbirthing noises and she and Migdalia take first place and immunity! I already love those ladies. The Tongan Grays come in second, and speak some football nonsense about the worthlessness of second place. Andrea and Darrell, the Black Team, finish third, followed by Orange Cheryl and Daris. The Yellow and Blue Teams are struggling, and Dr. H. has to rush to the aid of Blue mother Cherita, who finally falls forward over her bike's handlebars in pain. Are these fuckers kidding me? We cut to commercials so you can spend the next second wondering if someone is about to die and, if so, if Subway will cater the funeral.