Day 1 at the ranch: 7:23 a.m. Bob and Jillian deliver wake-up calls... OF PAIN. They pull the fire alarm. Isn't that a federal offense? I'm pretty sure you can get kicked out of school for it, at the least. The contestants get the heck out of the house (while wondering if there's actually a fire) and are delighted to see Bob and Jillian standing outside and waiting to light a proverbial fire under their butts. Bob once again feels like a broken record when saying that this is the biggest group he's ever seen. Jillian hugs one of the twins and actually says, "You have got to be kidding." She tells us that the cast gets bigger and bigger every year, and it's not a good thing. When Jillian feels overwhelmed, you know things are getting too crazy.

And so, the contestants hit the gym. It is a sad and sorry sight. Jillian tells us there were contestants they didn't even touch who were already puking. All of the windows are filled with people puking, with additional snot and tears coming from the folks on the ground. Boy, do they have a bunch of screamers, too. And Britas. A bunch of Britas. With a shout out to Walmart? Shameless. Jillian targets Orange mom Cheryl as the type of person who puts everyone else's needs above her own. She does look especially timid and meek. Jillian wants to bring the power out of Cheryl, and does so by asking very quietly and intensely, while crouching on treadmill handlebars (WTF????), if Cheryl is ready to change. Cheryl, already scared out of her wits, looks straight ahead and doesn't reply. Jillian asks, "Are you or not?" and when Cheryl once again does not reply, Jillian screams, "ARE YOU OR NOT?!?!?!" right in Cheryl's face. Cheryl turns to Jillian, looks entirely terrified for a moment, and then screams, "I'M READY!!!" right back in Jillian's face. Well, I wasn't expecting that. Jillian loves it, and immediately puts Cheryl in some boxing gloves to work out some pent-up housewife rage. She says, "Cheryl... is a bad-ass." From across the gym Bob adds, "...Damn."

At the beginning of hour two, the contestants take a little break, sit around and get to know each other. Tragic tales abound. Common motifs include: 1) being picked last for teams in gym class; 2) not being able to find love / never having a significant other. Daris says that he's always the entertainer, and the guy who dances with his buddies' girlfriends but goes home alone. Migdalia reveals that her husband is going to go to Afghanistan, and by the time she returns home he'll be gone. Maria doesn't want to turn into her mom, who had to go into a home because she was so big and no one could take care of her. Koli was inspired by Filipe's makeover and by his hot wife. He has had relationships, but could never seriously believe that anyone would actually love a 400-pound man. Sad, but no "whole family including teeny baby killed in a car crash."