Biggest Loser

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Fattest. Season. Ever.

It's a new year, and there's a new season of Biggest Loser! And it's already calling us fat. But, Biggest Loser, the joke is on you because we are also JOLLY. And have pretty faces. This season is a season of family teams, whose journey will start not in the Biggest Loser gym, but in their hometowns... with a public weigh-in. Good Lord, they already make these people step on a scale on national TV wearing only sports bras. When will it end?

We go from team to team for a glimpse of the hometown humiliation. Brothers James and John, the Brown Team, are from Orlando, which means they had to be fat AND sweaty in front of everyone they know. So wrong. Orange Team member Daris can't hide his stomach rolls with his awesome curly white guy fro. White Team contestant Michael weighs a whopping 526 pounds. He defies convention by not having to be fork lifted from his house to the scale. Seriously, though, I'm kind of worried about these people.

Jillian and Bob try to convince us to take off our shirts and step on a scale in front of God and everyone we know. No thanks, crackers. Just the thought of that makes me want to eat mozzarella sticks for comfort.

We get a montage of several contestants talking about how unlovable they are. Awesome. Is this still the episode preview? I think so. In other words: full moments of tragedy and pain to come! And screaming. Lots and lots of screaming. Biggest Loser: Couples. Tragedy and screaming. And Jennie-O turkey.

Okay, the episode really begins. Contestants get calls from the trainers letting them know they've made it onto the show. Congratulations, you are tragically fat. Celebrate good times, come on. Each couple learns their team colors, and then Bob and Jillian reveal the first twist -- the hometown weigh-in. Bob spins it as the first courageous thing they're going to do on The Biggest Loser. Also, the first humiliating thing. The line, it is blurry.

It is now, quite dramatically, the next day. At a gym in Ardmore, Oklahoma, mother-and-son team Cheryl, 50, and Daris, 25, prepare to weigh in as the Orange Team. Daris's hair is a miracle of nature, and this gym is in his former high school. Oh, the poor thing. The crowd is very enthusiastic. In Orlando, Florida, Mayor Buddy Dyer wishes the Brown Team -- twins John and James, both 30 -- the best of luck in this humiliating experience. Their crowd is rather modest, which I think is a blessing. In Lafayette, California, Purple mother-and-daughter team Stephanie, 29, and Patti, 55, have a quasi-public weigh-in in their backyard. Followed by a barbeque!

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Biggest Loser

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