Biggest Loser

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Fattest. Season. Ever.

We get some numbers. Daris weighs 346 pounds, and gives a 346-pound emotional speech. His mother, Cheryl (incorrectly captioned as Daris) blames herself, and also weighs 227 pounds. Patti weighs 243 pounds, while Stephanie weighs 264 pounds. John weighs 484 pounds. He says that, until now, he hasn't been able to find a scale to tell him his weight. James weighs 485. They dub themselves "The Half Ton Twins." Damn.

Next we travel to Knoxville, Tennessee. Mother and daughter Sherry, 51, and Ashley, 27, are the Pink Team. Sherry's husband died of melanoma 11 years ago, and she turned to food. Ashley says that it would mean a lot to her deceased father to see her conquer her weight. She weighs-in at 374 pounds. We then cut to Ann Arbor, Michigan, where the father-daughter Black Team -- Darrell, 46, and Andrea, 24 -- approach their scale in a public park of some sort. Darrell weighs 413 pounds while Andrea weighs 298. In Houston, we meet the Blue Team -- mother and daughter Cherita, 50, and Victoria, 22. At 38, Cherita discovered that she had breast cancer and decided that death was not an option. This is a similar moment in time, and she's decided that she needs to live. Cherita weighs 277, while Victoria weighs 358. We never get Pink mother Sherry's starting weight, which is weird slash careless.

In Pemberton, New Jersey we meet the Green Team -- mother and daughter Miggy, 47, and Migdalia, 28. They're Puerto Rican, and Miggy says that their culture has everything to do with their eating habits and weight gain. Migdalia weighs 265 pounds, while Miggy weighs 240. In Aspermont, Texas, husband and wife Melissa, 39, and Lance, 37 -- the Red Team -- have their weigh-in at some sort of rodeo joint. They've been married for 10 years, and started off a whole lot skinnier. Melissa weighs 233 pounds, and Lance weighs 365. In Rohnert Park, California, Gray cousins Koli, 28 and Sam, 23, emerge onto a football field. And they're Tongan, just like Sione and Filipe! Koli is a football coach, and can't do half -- or any -- of what he asks his team to do. He weighs in at 403 pounds, while Sam is 372.

In Minneapolis we meet the Yellow Team, father and daughter O'Neal, 51, and Sunshine, 24. O'Neal works for the postal service, and used to be hot in a '70s kind of way. He's three times the size he used to be, and his poor wife has to help him put on his shoes every day. Sunshine has never been on a date or had a boyfriend or even kissed a boy. She's always smiling, but deep down she's very unhappy. Sunshine starts off at 275 pounds, which is cause for an exceedingly painful number of tears. Everyone in the crowd feels like kind of a jerk. O'Neal weighs 389 pounds. His wife, Sarah, cries, but not as hard as Sunshine. We then head to Chicago, where we meet the White Team -- mother and son Maria, 51, and Mike, 30. They weigh in in the parking lot of a pizza place. They're Italian, which I guess explains it all. Maria weighs 281 pounds while Michael weighs a whopping 526 pounds. That's, like, Discovery Channel big. Michael cries as he says that even if he loses the equivalent of one overweight person, he'll still be overweight. But he's ready to start fighting the battle. And vie for a position on Jersey Shore.

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Biggest Loser

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