Biggest Loser

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Fattest. Season. Ever.

Cherita looks very sad as Victoria says that she's proud of her mom for having heart. Sunshine and O'Neal are devastated. I am devastated for them -- they seem like they really could have used this opportunity. For a minute I thought Sami was going to be like, "Just kidding!" But alas, it is not to be. OR IS IT? The Yellow and Blue Teams get into their respective limos and lament their fates. Sunshine and O'Neal do so while crying heavily. BUT WAIT! STOP THE LIMO! It's Bob and Jillian jumping in the road in front of the car! Surprise twist of greatness! Commercials, while we ponder the awesome thing that's about to happen.

Meanwhile, some bitch is trying to convince me that she lost 54 pounds by ordering from the Taco Bell fresco menu. They have got to be kidding with this ad campaign.

Okay, we're back. Jillian stops the limo of the Blue Team, while Bob stops the Yellow limo. As you can imagine, each team is quite happy to see the smiling face of a trainer. Bob explains to O'Neal and Sunshine that it's not over. Jillian explains to Cherita and Victoria that they'll be going home for 30 days and then coming back to campus, where the teams will face off. Well, okay, I guess. The team with the highest percentage of weight loss will be back in the competition. And the Yellow and Blue Teams will have Jillian and Bob to help them during their 30 days at home. Oh, good. This show is not quite as evil as we might have presumed!

Day 1 at the ranch: 7:23 a.m. Bob and Jillian deliver wake-up calls... OF PAIN. They pull the fire alarm. Isn't that a federal offense? I'm pretty sure you can get kicked out of school for it, at the least. The contestants get the heck out of the house (while wondering if there's actually a fire) and are delighted to see Bob and Jillian standing outside and waiting to light a proverbial fire under their butts. Bob once again feels like a broken record when saying that this is the biggest group he's ever seen. Jillian hugs one of the twins and actually says, "You have got to be kidding." She tells us that the cast gets bigger and bigger every year, and it's not a good thing. When Jillian feels overwhelmed, you know things are getting too crazy.

And so, the contestants hit the gym. It is a sad and sorry sight. Jillian tells us there were contestants they didn't even touch who were already puking. All of the windows are filled with people puking, with additional snot and tears coming from the folks on the ground. Boy, do they have a bunch of screamers, too. And Britas. A bunch of Britas. With a shout out to Walmart? Shameless. Jillian targets Orange mom Cheryl as the type of person who puts everyone else's needs above her own. She does look especially timid and meek. Jillian wants to bring the power out of Cheryl, and does so by asking very quietly and intensely, while crouching on treadmill handlebars (WTF????), if Cheryl is ready to change. Cheryl, already scared out of her wits, looks straight ahead and doesn't reply. Jillian asks, "Are you or not?" and when Cheryl once again does not reply, Jillian screams, "ARE YOU OR NOT?!?!?!" right in Cheryl's face. Cheryl turns to Jillian, looks entirely terrified for a moment, and then screams, "I'M READY!!!" right back in Jillian's face. Well, I wasn't expecting that. Jillian loves it, and immediately puts Cheryl in some boxing gloves to work out some pent-up housewife rage. She says, "Cheryl... is a bad-ass." From across the gym Bob adds, "...Damn."

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Biggest Loser

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