It's The Biggest Loser, couples style! You all know the premise, and I'm sure have seen those weird little animated fat folks who walked across the bottom of the screen during every NBC show that aired Christmas week. Basically, everyone is really fat, and has a buddy. Oh, and the other news is that before workouts begin we lost 115 pounds of dead weight. Yes, Kim is gone. Should auld acquaintance be forgot, and only brought to mind when I want to mock her. Yay!
We begin one day before arriving on campus in Mesa, Arizona. We meet mother/daughter couple Bette-Sue, 54, and Ali, 32. Bette-Sue has Rosie O'Donnell's asymmetrical lesbian haircut for no good reason. And both she and Ali are hairdressers, no less! For shame, Bette-Sue! They were both nationally ranked swimmers at one time. Ali was a synchronized swimmer, which is hardcore. In Rancho Cucamonga, which sounds like some sort of E.-coli-saturated dish found at your local TGI Friday's, we meet Mallory and Curtis, both 36, who are married and have three daughters. Curtis says that everyone in his house is covered by his medical insurance except for him. He has to be a maximum of 238 pounds to be insured, which is a good 150 pounds less than what he weighs now. He says he feels that he's failed as a husband and a father, and Mallory starts bawling. Oh man, it is going to be one of those seasons.
In New Jersey we meet Maggie, 23, and Jenn, 22, who are best friends. They are fat camp counselors, which Jenn notes might be hard to believe. It's like a zitty dermatologist, you know? In Oklahoma City we meet Neill, 28, and Amanda, 29, who are newlyweds. Their new year's resolution is to get in shape before their son realizes they're fat. Their new year's resolution last year was not to have a shotgun wedding, and we see how well that worked out. Leaving their cute little son was the hardest part, since they have never been away from him for more than a weekend. It was a big decision to come on the show, because the stakes were so high. In Orlando, we meet Paul, 43, and Kelly, 41, who are divorced. Except Paul is still TOTALLY in love with Kelly, and would like to be back together with a baby. For her part, Kelly doesn't want Paul to be dead in two years. Clearly these two are headed for reconciliation. Paul's grandfather and dad died at 49 and 47, respectively, which is very scary for him. Not as scary, however, as the photo of Paul washing a car in a Speedo that we are subjected to. Sometimes I think we should just slice Florida off and set it adrift.