Biggest Loser

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They Got Fat Together, Can They Get Thin Together?

Sami tells the 10 teams that it's time for their first challenge. Lynn can't believe they have a challenge already, and jokes that he wants to get in shape first. I feel the exact same way about spinning classes. The teams will be playing for...Bob and Jillian! Yay! Bob says that God put him here to work with these contestants, and he's all about functional training and making you comfortable in your skin. Jillian says the way she trains people is aggressive, violent, and uncomfortable. What about the way she says that makes it so hot? Although the contestants are coming with buddies, Jillian says that they're going to learn that she needs to be their friend, brother, and wife. And, in my case, father figure. I am totally ready to put my tiny hand in hers. She can be my preacher/teacher, anything she has in mind. I have also had enough of crime. That doesn't make any sense, but bear in mind that I've been dizzied by lust.

Anyhoo, the contestants have to race to the top of a nearby hill and back. It's a pretty big hill, and everyone is kind of freaking out. Both team members have to touch a flag at the top of the hill before they can start racing back, and both have to get in line behind their chosen trainer when they return. The catch is this: each trainer can only take five teams, so if you're not one of the first five for your chosen trainer, you get the other one by default. Oooh, I wish Kim was still on the show just so she could be abjectly humiliated during this challenge. Bette-Sue lets out a curse violent enough that her mouth has to be blurred. She and Ali really, really want Jillian, because they need beatings. So Bob doesn't feel so bad, Dan tells us that he and Jackie really want Bob.

The race is on! Some folks start off at a run, but the walking soon takes over. Bette-Sue appears to be having a really hard time. Jay and his brother are the first up the mountain, followed by Bernie and Brittany. Bernie says it's a good thing that his stomach was empty, otherwise he might have sprayed a few people. And regurgitated Junior Cheeseburger and Frostie first thing in the morning is never a pretty sight. A lot of folks are huffing and puffing and looking like they might pass out. Amanda says that she doesn't want to complain about her husband, but notes that Neill was struggling more than she was. Jenni has to push Lynn along, and Bette-Sue literally has to crawl up the hill.

Mark and Jay are first to cross the finish line, and go straight to Jillian, whom Jay says will push them more than anyone else could. Brittany and Bernie are next and go to Bob, who Brittany thinks will be able to help her with her emotional issues. He is like a psycholoyogotrainer. Curtis takes a huge fall, but he and Mallory eventually make it to Jillian. Also heading to Jillian's side are Roger and Trent. Roger notes that this might be the last time she's so encouraging, and will likely be cussing them out before too long. I will wait in anticipation. Dan and Jackie are next in, and go to Bob. Neill and Amanda, also fans of getting their asses kicked, head to Jillian. Meanwhile, Bette-Sue and Ali finally make it up the hill. Oh, man. Maggie and Jenn cross the finish line to Jillian, which means that Jillian has her five teams. Poor Bob only has two. He is a little offended and wonders if the teams don't think he's tough enough. Bob's remaining teams by default are Paul and Kelly, Lynn and Jenni, and, at long last, Bette-Sue and Ali. When she sees that Jillian is full up, Ali is pissed. Oh, but Bob is awesome. It's really a win/win. Bette-Sue starts weeping about being embarrassed and being a burden to her daughter. Perhaps it's a blessing that they got psycholoyogotrainer Bob, after all.

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Biggest Loser

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