Biggest Loser

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Bring Out the Big Gunns

It is night at the Loser house, and Filipe is desolate over the loss of Sione. As with everything else, he acts like someone actually died. A fridge light going out has never been so poignant. Filipe reads aloud to Kristin a note that Sione has left for him. It basically tells him to stay strong and kick butt. I would add a PS: Stop being such a baby. Tears. Sadness. Filipe says that this is his opportunity to represent himself and Sione and his family and be the fierce competitor he knows he can be. He's the hero who will come along with the strength to carry on. Filipe tells Kristin that he's sick of watching finales and seeing Jillian win. Bob deserves it, he says. And Bob loved Sione, and practically wrote an elegy for the funeral that never happened because SIONE ISN'T DEAD. Kristin reminds us that Jillian hasn't lost a single player in seven weeks, which is actually pretty crazy. Filipe, with his typical knack for understatement, says, "I will fight. I will fight 'till I'm out of breath. I'll run 'till I can't run no more. I'll walk 'till my knees collapse. I'm not going to let him down." This will make it all the sweeter when Tara takes the prize.

The contestants meet Sami, who's dressed like Sherlock Holmes [Is her baby dressed like Dr. Watson? - Zach], on a canyon containing colored flags with wires running across. Sami tells them that each player will cross from one side of the canyon to the other with only the use of two cables. Except for Ron, who is never going to be able to do this. They will have to walk 700 feet from one end to the other, and at their highest point the cables are 110 feet, or 10 stories, from the ground. Mike is the obligatory "fear of heights" contestant, which ought to be amusing. The winner of the challenge gets a $125,000 kitchen makeover, as well as a kitchen full of Jennie-O turkey. What a random prize! Why not just build them a climbing wall out of Extra Sugar Free gum?

The contestants all suit up, and of course Filipe dedicates his cable walk to Sione. Kristin tells us that this shit is motherfucking scary, so all the couch potatoes at home should shut it. The race begins! Mike thinks he's going to fall to his death, while Ron opts out after making it about 40 feet. Filipe gets off to an early lead thanks to his aerodynamic fro. Tara loses her feet and is dangling for a while. She finally gets her feet back on the cable, but Filipe is far ahead of the others. Mike, meanwhile, is just happy to be alive and not to have punked out entirely. But lo, who is starting to catch up? Effing Tara! She was seriously dangling from that cable for about a minute, so this is pretty incredible. Kristin is rooting for Filipe, because to blow such a huge lead would be pretty humiliating. The two race to the finish with their weird little sideways turtle steps. It's about the most hilarious bit of athletic suspense I've ever seen. Tara passes Filipe, and then she totally wins! Filipe is pretty sad about it. Helen comes in third, followed by Mike. Even though he didn't win, Mike is very proud of himself for finishing. Kristin and Laura also power through to the end.

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Biggest Loser




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