Biggest Loser

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Bring Out the Big Gunns

Next, the contestants head to the Warren Tricomi salon where they meet Tabatha Coffey!!! From Shear Genius and Tabatha's Salon Takeover!!! Boy, do I love that bitch-trog. Stylist Brandon Martinez from B The Product is also there. There are highlights and scissors and some nervous chatter from Laura. Tabatha is going to do them right, I'm certain. I'm only sad that we can't hear her say that something's disgusting, or tell anyone to fuck off. Oh! And here's a hair tip from Tabatha! Pulling your hair back makes you look younger and thinner! Also, if you're out of styling crème, try rubbing a little Jennie-O turkey through your roots for instant fullness and shine.

And now it's time for the premiere of...Biggest Loser: The Movie. Oh. There goes the Tara/Seth Rogen hookup I was so excited for. Special guests await, unknown to the losers. We meet Russ, Helen's husband, and soon see Helen step out of a limo in leopard print shoes. Reow! Russ can't wait to see Helen and hold her in his arms again. She emerges, looking lovely in a shiny purple dress, and is ecstatic to see Russ. They both cry and Russ tells Helen how beautiful she is. She says that she finally feels beautiful. I will tell you one thing, which is that Helen and Russ are ready to bone post-haste.

Next up we meet Cheryl, Tara's mom, who can't wait to see what Tara looks like. And Tara looks hot! She comes running down the stairs to meet her mom, and then we learn that Cheryl actually lost 40 pounds! Cheryl did it to support Tara, and tells her how much she loves her. Tara can practically be a contestant on Top Model, she looks so great! She feels blessed and lucky to be there, and Cheryl is thankful for all the people who helped Tara along the way. Felipe comes out next wearing a cranberry-colored velvet blazer. Sweet! He and his wife, Levila, have an emotional reunion. She tells us that what's important is how Felipe feels inside, because he's always looked good to her.

Kristin has her debut next, wearing a black belted shirt dress. Her husband, Nick, is waiting for her, and is amazed that she's lost 115 pounds. So am I, actually. Monica, Laura's best friend, is waiting for her. Laura emerges with red hair and a bright pink dress. Monica tells us that she was hugging half of what she usually hugged. Oddly enough, in the side-by-side photo of made-over Laura and old Week One Laura, her dress is totally red. Weird. Next we have Ron, who greets his wife Becky and his son Max. Tabatha worked her magic, and Ron's beard is gone! It's definitely an improvement. The theater where they're filming this whole thing must be sweltering, because Ron is dripping with sweat. Max is very emotional, because he is so heavy, too. Mike comes out and looks adorable in a suit with a sweater underneath. He looks super-thin when not in workout gear. Becky thinks he looks like a movie star, and she's thrilled for him.

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Biggest Loser

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