Biggest Loser

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Walk Away, Renee

It's the final five, bitches! We started out with sixteen very large folk, and have dropped eleven of them. The ones we are left with are as such. Newlyweds Heba and Ed who, like most of us, like pizza and margaritas. They also like the ideas of having kids someday, but were not healthy enough to breed. Heba has lost 70 pounds, and Ed has lost 82 since coming on the show. Then there's Renee and Michelle, the estranged mother and daughter. They are working on building their relationship, and also their muscles. Renee has lost 68 pounds and Michelle has lost 66 pounds, and they both look foxier by the minute. And then there's Vicky Macbeth. She has lost 68 pounds, and gained the scorn of a nation. Reaping, sowing, etc. There are only a few weeks left, and then we'll have a new $250,000 grand prize winner! And hopefully her name won't rhyme with "icky."

We enter at the tail end of elimination, where Sami tells the contestants to pack their bags (y'all) because they're going to New York City! For a whirlwind makeover! The excitement is enough to make Ed scream like a preteen Hannah Montana fan. Michelle is excited that they're taking a trip that has nothing to do with nature and dirt. Ah, a woman after my own heart! Sami reveals that the next day they'll be revealing their makeovers in front of a live audience... wait for it... on The Tyra Banks Show. I'm sure this will give Tyra ample opportunity to talk about how she was discriminated against that one afternoon when she wore a fat suit. And/or that America can kiss their fat asses in addition to hers. And/or how difficult it was when she was whisked off to Paris as a teen to begin her wildly successful modeling career. And that Top Model finally had a plus-sized winner last season, so she's down with the chub. Sami hands the contestants their tickets and tells them to have fun.

And suddenly they are in New York City! Where the streets are paved with gold and sputum! The contestants drive around in a pimped out limo (stocked with Extra gum instead of Courvoisier, I'm sure) and talk about how lucky they are. They enter a salon where they meet Brandon Martinez of B The Product and Stuart Hirsch of Stuart Hirsch Salon. Michelle tells the guys that they are all way overdue for a salon trip. There is cutting! There is coloring! Vicky wonders how Brady is going to feel about her red hair. Ed gets highlights. Michelle tells Brandon that she's up for anything. Madness! Excitement!

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Biggest Loser

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