Biggest Loser
We’re Back…and So Is Jillian

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Everything New Is Old Again

You guys. It's happening. The Biggest Loser is back, and this is the season that Dolvett and Jillian will finally meet and doubtlessly fall in love while prying a donut out of a 10-year-old's mouth. Picture it: they both reach for the donut, their fingers accidentally touch, sparks fly even in a pool of sugar glaze and youthful drool. Just wait for the proposal at the live finale! Bob will be both the best man AND the maid of honor. Ali Vincent will officiate. The reception will be catered by Jennie-O turkey with the cake made entirely of Extra Sugar Free Gum. We're all invited, but must arrive via marathon.

Anyway! Thousands applied. But only 15 will be chosen. This has been told to us in big block letters, so we know it must be true! We're at some sort of event in Los Angeles (which is clearly not live), and host Alison Sweeney (aka Sami) is introduced to the wild cheers and arm waving of the audience members. See, they are ALREADY burning calories. This is the biggest season yet, says Sami, because The Biggest Loser is challenging America to tackle fat kids. Not literally, of course. Except for maybe Jillian. This is clearly a bid to suck up to last season's special guest Michelle Obama, and I approve.

To help win the fight, Sami introduces three people who will help to change everything:16-year-old Sunny from Rochester, New York; 13-year-old Noah from New Windsor, Maryland; and 13-year-old Lindsay from Filmore, California, who is clearly the savviest of the three by virtue of being the only one NOT wearing horizontal stripes. Sami asks Sunny to talk about what brought her here, and she says that she's been overweight her whole life, and wants to learn how to change her unhealthy behavior. Lindsay was nominated for the show by her sister, who is thinner and clearly trying to horn in on the attention even from the audience. BACK OFF, BEANPOLE, AND LET THE KID HAVE HER MOMENT. Noah is the cutest, and first tells us that he goes by Bingo, "Because that's what I do." He's there to change the way he lives, the way his family lives, and the way America lives. So put down the Fritos, guys. The kid is on a mission.

We get a video montage of the kids, starting with Noah/Bingo. Every time he says "Bingo," I start singing, "And Bingo was his name-o" in my head, which is NOT GOOD for recapping focus. Noah/Bingo eats buckets of chicken and plays video games, coupled with a lack of exercise. The kid actually kills me when he says with a quavering voice that he does get insults, and they hurt her down in his heart. He knows that he can do something about it, but hasn't figured out how quite yet. We see Noah/Bingo playing baseball and dropping a ball, at which he exclaims, "Butterfingers!" Jillian is going to coach him to yell, "Kale chips!" at such instances. Noah/Bingo thinks he can be a good athlete, but his weight is holding him back from really being able to keep up with his friends.

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Biggest Loser

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