Biggest Loser
We're Back…and So Is Jillian

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Everything New Is Old Again

And the kids are waiting outside! The trainers will take turns working with the wee ones, with Dolvett going first with the youngsters. He introduces a baseball-inspired workout, which is based on Bingo's love of the sport. He tells us that with kids you want to have workouts that are activity-based, and fun. And, based on his appearance, you want to inspire young people with your very tight form-fitting workout pants. Reow! The kids are only on the ranch for the week, so the trainers have to give them skills to get healthy at home. All the way from the makeshift baseball field, Dolvett and the kids can hear Jillian yelling from inside the gym. One of the girls jokes that she thought they had it bad, and Dolvett is like, "You have NO idea."

Cut to the gym where everything new is old again and Jillian is screaming at people not to touch the treadmill. She wants pitbulls on her team. She has a ways to go, as evidenced by Nathan falling off the treadmill. Then Jackson totally looks like he's about to pass out but is too terrified to grab the side of the treadmill, and someone else pukes. As Jillian continues to scream at people about their inability to run five miles an hour for 20 seconds, Jackson actually DOES pass out, right on top of a medic. So, yeah, Jillian is back and this show is clearly SO DIFFERENT than it used to be. Now I remember why I didn't miss it. Jackson does eventually wake back up (after a commercial break) but is speaking gibberish. Only the medic appears to be concerned.

Meanwhile, Bob is yelling at a woman named Gina about how they have to figure out what's broken in her so they can fix it. Gina tells us that she's 47, and is an attorney from Birmingham, Alabama. She weighs 245 pounds, and has two older kids and a skinny husband. She tells us that she has a hard time enjoying her ostensibly fabulous life because her weight has taken over. But she doesn't want to die and have her husband marry some skinny blonde 25-year old. Hey, whatever motivates you! Nathan falls off the treadmill again, and when he can't say for certain that he's about to pass out, she tells him to get back on the treadmill. And then he falls off AGAIN, only this time his eyes kind of start rolling back in his head. Jillian exiles him from the gym. Poor Nate sees the continuous falling as a metaphor for his entire existence and starts crying. He just wants to be able to stay on the treadmill... of life. Oh, help.

Jillian tells us that she may seem harsh, but this is a group of people who have quit their entire lives, and now they're quitting in the first 20 minutes of the workout. Jackson is quitting so hard that he's wearing an oxygen mask. Dolvett returns and tags Bob to go work with the kids next, and wonders what the heck is happening in the gym, with the oxygen masks and throwing up and all. He digs it, though, because each one of these trainers is descended in some way from the Marquis de Sade. We then meet Cate, 27 and starting at 237 pounds. She lives with her parents, and seems both meek and depressed, or maybe just really tired from her first workout. Francelina, who is 25 and starts at 267 pounds, has the best hair of the bunch by far and is neither crying nor throwing up nor passing up. Thus, she does not get very much screen time. Pam, 43 and 237 pounds, tells us that this is worse than childbirth.

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Biggest Loser

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