There's a bumper out to commercial that notes Up Chuck is about to get more than he "gambled" for. Yeah, I'm not kidding. Up Chuck and Carmen enter his big-ass suite, and Up Chuck says some more stuff for the record books. "Young lady, you ever go out with a guy that looks so good?" Which must have sounded good when he was saying it to himself over and over in front of the mirror. Confused, Carmen Sandiego hilariously blurts out a "...no?" He asks her if she's a Scorpio, in such a way that I can't tell if he wants her to be, and she answers that's she's a Pisces. He notes, and not for the sole time, her "deep, sexy voice." This is awful. Unabashedly, inarguably, ridiculously, powerfully, unwatchably terrible. It cannot possibly get any worse than this, and then...it does. He screams from upstairs at her, giving her a tour without actually giving her the tour, and yells about how there's a shower, and how "we'll be in here making love I'm sure...beautiful as you are, and me as big as I am, we'll be making some sparks." Just...ew. He knows there's a camera crew here, and you know what? He knows she's a dude! This is dumb! I wonder if there really is an Up Chuck, or a Carmen Sandiego, or if this is just some Mark Burnett Dogma95 thing where it seems like reality TV when the reality is, it's all made up, a fairy wonderland of sorts. I want to believe that people like Up Chuck do not exist. Tell me this is faked. Sexy hip-hop plays as they start to get down and he kisses her with a great wide open mouth and grabs her ass. God, this man is foul. We cut to shots of the fountains, shooting up into the air! I am buying a gun, I swear it. This is so vile. Wow. There's another cut to coins shooting out of a slot machine. This is the sickest shit. My blood runs cold. It's grotesque in a way that denies -- that annihilates -- sex altogether. This isn't about sex, it's about something else entirely that I don't have a word for. I've gotten a little older tonight. I've lost something precious that I didn't even know I had. I don't like it.
Episode Report Card862 USERS: C+
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