The Casino
Episode 1

Episode Report Card
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Just Take the Penicillin Now, Save Some Time

Weird mysterious music plays as Rob receives his treatment and has an ungodly boring conversation with the spa lady about his fingernails and the aforementioned lack of girlfriend experience. She asks if he's looking for someone special and he replies dimly, "Yeah, it's a possibility." So clearly he's as excited as the rest of the Frat Pack about his impending entree into masculinity and putatively adult sexuality. Jason: if you take a butterfly out of its cocoon before it's ready, it dies. But if you take it to Vegas, it gets Hep C first. Think about it.

There is an incredibly stupid-ass FOX bumper to commercial about "the most shocking scenes ever on reality TV," but before you get excited, nobody who's seen the rest of the episode can figure out what the fuck they mean by that. After the commercial we get some of the most shockingly boring scenes ever on any kind of TV, but I doubt that's what they're talking about. Andre Agassi comes in -- shockingly random! a little bit sad! -- and we learn that Andre passed up long ago on the opportunity to invest in Travelscape. Tom, unfortunately, says aloud in a situation where his voice is recorded on tape and later played back for us to hear: "We'll take Andre's cash, but what we really want is Andre's cache." This crazy lady attacks Andre Agassi and wants him to sign her crazy deposit slip, but he refuses to do it until she writes VOID on it, and the degree to which he is so not kidding is bizarre and unpleasant. Crazy Lady's named Bobbie, and Bobbie's like, "I'm gonna hug you! 'Cause I love you!"

There are Rottweilers -- always a sign of a legitimate business transaction -- upstairs, where Andre Agassi laughs and asks what Tim and Tom are looking for. He's known Tom for 25 years, and he knows that when you invest, you invest "in people." He hopes out loud that there are "fifty years of fun here." Regrettably, Tom says that "business just got personal." This guy Tom? Like, when he talks? He makes me want to die. For real.

The Frat Pack are visiting a lingerie shop, as frat guys are wont to do, I guess, and they are asking the shop girls if they want to party. I think the lingerie shop girls are familiar with frat dicks, because they are not really feeling it. Jason puts some panties on his face in order to impress upon them his charm and wit, and is informed that the panties on his face cannot now be sold. He graciously offers to buy them. That is, and I want you to understand what I'm saying here, he graciously offers to pay for the women's underwear he just placed over his face, in public.

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The Casino




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