Tim and Tom, again watching Matt "Velvet" Dusk. Although I do not begrudge him screentime, because he is awesome, I'm starting to wonder where our Story B (the Swingers) is. (Rather than praying it would never come, as I should have.) Matt "Velvet" Dusk introduces his set by promising some "great originals for you...from the swing era." It's the use of "originals" that I wonder about. What's that the opposite of? Are these songs no one has ever heard, from that era? "I traveled back in time and wrote these songs in the swing era, to bring you originals, because I am not a karaoke singer, damn it." The doorman spots the Swingers from a block away -- not because he's good, you could too -- and says, "Nice to see you guys again, welcome back." But they are neither "nice," nor "welcome." In my living room, anyhow. They number three. Actually, let me back up: Polyamory is so gay. Have you ever noticed it's that whole Star Trek: The Next Generation, Renaissance Festival, S&M&B&D and all the other letters crowd that thinks it's cool? Like this same subculture was I think nudism, once upon a time. Not to throw shade, if you're reading this; I'm sure we have a lot in common and you're great, email me, whatever. But I think it's interesting. And I think polyamory is kind of lame, and swingers are the kings of the lameness. Especially if they are gross, to wit:
David, wearing a...I don't know what the fuck it is. Fake velvet cut-out see-through bullshit shirt of ivy. Late forties, skinny but not like a young person is skinny, bleached hair (bleach-blond asshole count = 3), although even looking like a consumptive vampire who injects household products he still looks better than Geoff. Virginia, his wife, is wearing some kind of black-leather vest with long skinny beads on it like a breastplate and an honest-to-God choker, has the exact same shade of near-platinum hair, and is pretty -- thanks to science. Beverly, their girlfriend, looks like Ana Gasteyer, with flaming red hair, eyebrows dyed to match, absolutely no identity or self-esteem, and a weird smirky wide mouth. Virginia and Beverly totally look like porn...well, not stars. Let's just leave it at "they look like porn." And of course he's got one on each arm. And we're not even to the Mark Burnett fake part, I don't think. This is actually how they roll. We hear Matt "Velvet" Dusk start singing this song that kind of applies to the situation of them prowling the Nugget for other pervs, but doesn't really. Fake shot of them walking by this chick playing slots and checking her out as they walk by, their eyes sliding down her one by one (they're single file -- perhaps because they're in the "skinny route" area, although they're all very skinny, since they have every disease including ones you've never heard of, and because all they eat is lube). This is intercut with shots of old Matt "Velvet" Dusk, but instead of tainting him, it's like a tiny little respite, an oasis of lounge vibe and swing era standards. Also, this song he is singing? Not from the swing era. Which I guess makes it original.
He sings a line about "the hunter turns into the prey" and on hunter the camera jumps to the Swingers, and on prey it swings around to the Potential Swingers we're about to meet. God. Then it's awful because the sound level on the vocal goes down so we can hear Wife Swinger appreciate the Potential Swinger couple, then quickly back up as Matt "Velvet" Dusk sings the line "but the Black Widow's beauty will kill" and on kill there's six very fast shots and then an amateurish zoom into...kind of toward the left side of Virginia's cleavage and face, all between the words will and kill and it's quite dramatic and really poorly done. As we hear "the story of heartache begins," we focus on the girl part of the Potential Swingers couple, a pretty black girl who somehow simultaneously looks almost like Aisha Taylor and exactly like Reese Witherspoon. Okay, she's even wearing a baby-blue twinset. So Cruel Intentions, and I think they picked this girl so they (oh wait, this is reality TV)...isn't it lucky that this girl looks so much like Reese Witherspoon, I mean? Reese looks over "just as" Virginia licks something off her own finger, laughing, and then "immediately afterward" turns back to her husband, laughing. "What makes a man gamble all his love?" asks Matt "Velvet" Dark, as her husband, who has one million teeth and one million square miles of hair, grins directly at the Swingers. It's so great they caught this completely candid inter-couple (-triple) swinger flirting on tape. So lucky.