The thing is that he's not scoring any points off anybody, he's just making this huge statement into the silence. If Matt "Velvet" Dusk threw a shit-fit in Zax and nobody were around to hear it, would he still look so incredibly cute? So then Matt "Velvet" Dusk, for reasons left unexplained, introduces Eulisha to his managers. Wolfie, the Wuthering Heights groundskeeper -- who sadly does not speak this week -- has been joined by heretofore unmentioned Linda, who has thirteen different colors of hair, and looks a little like that lady who was on Frasier sometimes as his crazy manager, and then was on that awful sitcom where the girl with two dads married the boy with a trashy family, and the mom tried to hide her British accent and was crappy and it was so bad. "It's kind of ironic," Matt "Velvet" Dusk says, "that after all these arguments, I meet this really cool young lady who's got this vibe of like a young Aretha Franklin, and I'm the one putting her up onstage to sing." What's with the hot Canadians and the misuse of "ironic?" Also, though, it's -- if not ironic, at least really something -- that you haven't even heard her sing, and are just assuming that because she's black and fat she has an Aretha vibe, and will rock. Which probably? You're right, I'm also going to assume she has a lovely voice, but you have to keep that shit to yourself or you sound like a dick. Before you say the next thing you're going to say, which is the song you're going to be singing with her: "A great gospel tune, a traditional called"...wait for it "'Amazing Grace.'"
Oh, hell. Because jazz has nothing to do with black people. It's hard to come up with any jazz songs that they will, like, know. Look, you're a jazz band. Are you so completely foolish as to think that she's not going to know anything but spirituals? Fucking gospel? She just told you she's a singer! Do you know where the jazz you claim to love came from? Are you just panicking here? Tell me you thought about it later and realized how silly that was. So anyway, "Amazing Grace." "And she is going to 'amaze' you with her voice." Everybody laughs politely except friend Joan, who laughs indulgently, because he's just so white and gay and Canadian. "Okay: heart's beating, your palms are wet," Eulisha interviews, "I could have sounded like chicken soup, but he welcomed me in." I love you, Eulisha. You are so cool. Will calls: "Oh my God. This show is amazing." I confess that the second he said "gospel" I spit some food on myself. "'Amazing Grace,' that famous jazz standard."