The Casino
Episode 4

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Jacob Clifton: C- | Grade It Now!
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In a Theme Park Future, Parents Love Their Children

Back in the twenty-first century, Eulisha watches Matt "Velvet" Dusk tool around onstage for awhile, and then begin to sing. She's clearly very into it -- she's a singer, you know. "He looks twelve, and he's singing jazz from the forties and fifties." Weird, huh? She informs boring friend Joan what we already know, that Matt "Velvet" Dusk is not just "hot, he is so hot. Extra hot. I mean sizzling. Like, the meat is burnt." Done with his set, Matt "Velvet" Dusk comes into the lounge area. Eulisha starts screaming his name and saying, "Oh my God!" Like they're long-lost friends instead of people who have "never met." And since it's this show, they're probably married, or related, or the same person wearing different outfits. Julie Chen nods: "Do Not Assume!" Eulisha jumps up and they hold hands, swinging them back and forth like London Bridge is falling down; it's incredibly adorable. She strokes the Velvet Ego for awhile about how she saw a picture of him and somehow just had to see him perform. How incredibly fucking lucky that that happened, and then it turned out that he was performing in a downstairs lounge in the very casino TV was paying her to stay in! "I'm a singer, too." Because we're still in the "Fuck It" phase, he immediately offers to let her sing with him. Uh oh. Ugly in..."Joe says he wants some sort of karaoke joint," harshes Matt "Velvet" Dusk, "so I'm just going to put anybody up onstage that wants to sing."

The thing is that he's not scoring any points off anybody, he's just making this huge statement into the silence. If Matt "Velvet" Dusk threw a shit-fit in Zax and nobody were around to hear it, would he still look so incredibly cute? So then Matt "Velvet" Dusk, for reasons left unexplained, introduces Eulisha to his managers. Wolfie, the Wuthering Heights groundskeeper -- who sadly does not speak this week -- has been joined by heretofore unmentioned Linda, who has thirteen different colors of hair, and looks a little like that lady who was on Frasier sometimes as his crazy manager, and then was on that awful sitcom where the girl with two dads married the boy with a trashy family, and the mom tried to hide her British accent and was crappy and it was so bad. "It's kind of ironic," Matt "Velvet" Dusk says, "that after all these arguments, I meet this really cool young lady who's got this vibe of like a young Aretha Franklin, and I'm the one putting her up onstage to sing." What's with the hot Canadians and the misuse of "ironic?" Also, though, it's -- if not ironic, at least really something -- that you haven't even heard her sing, and are just assuming that because she's black and fat she has an Aretha vibe, and will rock. Which probably? You're right, I'm also going to assume she has a lovely voice, but you have to keep that shit to yourself or you sound like a dick. Before you say the next thing you're going to say, which is the song you're going to be singing with her: "A great gospel tune, a traditional called"...wait for it…"'Amazing Grace.'"

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The Casino

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