Alias
The Counteragent

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Who? What? Where? Whyeeeeee?

"I went ahead with the exhumation," says Sergeant Sometimes You Feel Like A Nut. "I opened Emily's grave. It was empty." Jack's all, dude, did you check with the funeral home? Did you get a forensics unit to the gravesite? Agent All I Wanna Do Is Have Some Fun is all, dude! I saw her, okay? She's alive. And she knows what I did. I am dead to her, do you hear me? Dead! Jack's all, better clue the Alliance in, dude. Sergeant I'm With Stupid is all, done, dude. I just got off the phone with Christophe and told him that someone was trying to make it look like I faked Em's death in order to secure my position.

Jack's all, nice move, buddy. Maybe you're not so crazy after all. Monsieur Maladjusted is all, yeah, well, don't make that assumption too fast, my friend. We're still in deep shit. Even if the Alliance believes that I actually offed my wife instead of just pretend-offed her, the timing might make it seem like I was just trying to excuse SD-6's craptastic performance. Jack's all, uh, whuh? Mack Daddy Moosejaw is all, dude? Since I was made a partner in the Alliance, SD-6 has consistently stumbled in its operations. "We lost the terahertz imaging camera. We failed to retrieve the formula for zero-point energy. We didn't acquire Derevko's operations manual." Jack's all, uh, so what's your point? Private Padded Room's all, my point is that your daughter's a fucking double agent working AGAINST me and that's why we've been blowing chunks success-wise for AGES now! Wake up and smell the nepotism, Jack-o!

Yeah, so he doesn't say that. He just yammers on about how he needs a major victory in order to prove himself to the Alliance. But, really, does anyone really give a shit about this? I mean, anyone OTHER than Officer Off The Deep End? Jack's all, well, we have this guy downstairs who's familiar with Irina's operation. Perhaps, ya know, we could squeeze him a little and see if he pops? Lieutenant Look Who's Talking Too is so into this idea that he's practically licking the drool off his lips with his forked tongue.

Torture Room Of Tense Blue Tones And Psycho SD-6 Leaders Who Haven't Lost Their Evil Touch. Sloane and his Henchman of Hurt pay a little visit to Klaus Richter, the guy Sark infected with the virus just for kicks and who now lies on a slab in the bowels of SD-6, sweating and bleeding and generally looking fairly unhealthy. As Señor Sadistic gives Richter his own personal dissertation on the effects of the virus, the Henchman of Hurt fires up a little handheld culinary torch that Jacques Pepin uses to make crème brûlée and goes to work on Richter's right leg. Since he's paralyzed, he can't move, but he sure as hell can feel pain. Detective Devil In The Blue Dress just wants to know where Mama Hari's base of operations is located. Richter just says "Smilla" and cries a whole lot.

Will's hanging out by some fence near a drainage ditch. Brit Girl, Will's sparky friend from The Daily Newspaper Of No Importance Whatsoever, pulls up and starts yammering on at Will about the tests he asked her to look into. She's all, okay, so I did the work you asked me to, but, like, please don't tell me you're chasing some alleged CIA conspiracy again. Will's all, no no no, not even close. Keep your pants on. No, I mean REALLY. Keep your pants on! I got into enough trouble with Jailbait Jenny!

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Alias

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