Alias
The Counteragent

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Who? What? Where? Whyeeeeee?

Syd's not impressed by his British snarkiness. She quietly cocks her gun and tries to shoot the shit out of the glass. As the bullets wing and whiz off the glass, Sark just calmly closes his eyes and waits for Syd to put two and two together. When she figures out that shooting doesn't really work here, Sark sort of looks down at her, mildly annoyed. His expression is great. Sort of, "Yeah, do you think we hadn't THOUGHT of that? God. And everyone keeps telling me how fucking BRILLIANT you are. What-EVER."

"You and I," he says, "we're destined to work together. I truly believe that." Sark hits a button on a device in his hand, and corrosive material rains down from the pipes and starts eating away at Syd's suit. "Of course, any future collaboration requires my turning the sprinkler system off. Notice your suit is already being eaten away. I'd give it another forty seconds. I could use your help. I need access to Arvin Sloane." As Syd's suit starts melting, she says, "Why?" Good question. Sark's all, because I intend to kill the bastard, okay? Syd's all, okay, cool, fine, I'll give you Captain Crunchberries if you let me keep the antidote. Sark's all, nuh-uh. Sloane first. Antidote later. Syd silently nods her acceptance.

Then we hear Syd voice-over, "Sark had me taken to the decontamination room. He let me go. I came back here to Los Angeles." But seriously? We're not really paying attention to anything she says because, as her voice-over continues, we're watching Naked Syd undergo a Silkwood shower. The camera moves up, promising a glimpse of Naked Syd's Honey Pot, but one of the idiots who's scrubbing her down with big metal brushes crosses in front of her just as the camera reaches what would be her hootchie-cootchie. Goddamn Big Metal Brush Guy! I mean, personally, I'm not really interested in looking at Syd's Hello Kitty, but I'm pretty damn sure that every male Alias fan out there paused this baby about NINE THOUSAND TIMES and kept yelling at Goddamn Big Metal Brush Guy to GET THE HELL OUT OF THE WAY! Goddamn Big Metal Brush Guy moves away just as the camera reaches Syd's bellybutton, and yes, if you pause the tape, it's pretty obvious that she ain't wearing a nude-colored thong, people. And she's in great shape. And the camera moves up, and we see Syd's chest, her hands clasped over her breasts. Yes, I said "breasts." Calm down.

Back At The Ops Center Of Orientations With The Bleeding Obvious, the freshly scrubbed Syd's filling Kendall in on Sark's Sloane deal. Kendall's all, what exactly did you promise that little blond pisher? Syd's all, that I would render Sloane unconscious and deliver him to Sark. Kendall's all, so he could send Sloane to the Great Beyond to join the ghosts of all the people he killed OTHER than his wife? Syd's all, pretty much, dude. "There are just so many problems with this that I don't even know where to begin," muses Kendall. Hee. Terry O'Quinn's delivery here is killer. I laughed out loud. Because he's all dry and mellow, and yet, on the inside, he's probably all, oh, right, let's just hand over the acting head of one of our biggest enemies to the acting head of one of our other biggest enemies. That's a GREAT idea!

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Alias

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