The Event

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Monty Ashley: B- | Grade It Now!
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Suicide Party!
here she is, and the 911 operator sounds skeptical. Downstairs, Luis pours the wine, waits, gets bored, and looks for his phone in his coat. Leila says she's in a housing development, but the 911 lady says that her GPS must be deactivated, so she's untrackable. You know, because before every phone had a GPS in it, it was impossible to get any information on where they were calling from. There certainly aren't cell towers that can be tracked. Anyway, Luis breaks into the bathroom, and Leila kicks him in the head and hits him with a lamp. She runs out, right down the middle of the street. It might be a good idea to make your escape in somewhere other than the most well-lit, visible place in all of Alientown.

Back in France, Dempsey tells Sean that everything he's done with the best of intentions so he could stop what's about to happen. Oh, and he's part of a tribe of sentinels who try to protect humanity from the non-terrestrials. Sean, who is covered in soot, says Dempsey's wrong. He has no basis for this statement, and it's not even clear what Dempsey's wrong about. I guess it's his claim that the aliens are planning something horrible. But Sean had like one conversation with Sophia, so I don't know why he's so confident in her. During this conversation, Dempsey's goon is standing about twenty feet away, pointing a gun at them. Vicky's there too, but she's just looking shifty instead of accomplishing anything.

Dempsey's blathering about how the sentinels see the vast tapestry of humanity, and that someone "outside of our group" could do something. And Sean's elected, because he's so implausibly successful at things. The show actually tries to use its poorly constructed plots to justify the idea that Sean must obviously be a born superspy. It's worth a try, I guess. Sean's not buying any of this: "The truth is, you're a monster. An evil and crazy old man." And so on. Dempsey says that the goon will give Sean something that will be helpful. Then Dempsey SHOOTS HIMSELF IN THE HEAD! Sure, just kill yourself. That'll convince people you're not crazy! The goon hands Sean a duffel bag and takes off. The fire department is on the way, and Sean and Vicky are stuck with a dead Hal Holbrook, so they have to get going too. I wonder if we're going to start pretending that Dempsey wasn't kidnapping half-aliens and turning them extremely old so he could use their alien juice to turn himself young for ten seconds.

Sean and Vicky run into a field. She's out of breath, which is fair, what with the smoke inhalation. The duffel bag has a scroll and some (probably fake) passports. Vicky assures him that Dempsey was crazy. Sean's phone rings (sure, of course he still has his phone on. Why wouldn't he? Don't tell me about your "international data roaming" and your "international fugitive") and it's Leila. She's still in Alientown, hiding behind a bush, and she tells him that Sophia blew up the monument. She also brings him up to speed about Thomas's death, although I can't remember if Sean has any idea who Thomas is. Finally, she relays the extremely vague news that Sophia's looking for a weapon in Siberia and that a woman named "Irina Bogdanova" is important. Well, Siberia's only a little over five million square miles in size, so how hard can it be to find someone in it?

Leila hangs up when Michael finds her, but she won't tell him who she called. That's not too hard to find out on a cell phone, you know. I'm starting to wonder if this show is somehow created exclusively by people who have never used cell phones.

President Martinez comes home and his wife cheerily greets him. He shows her the file and tells her, "It's a file. On you. On your family." He says he couldn't read the file because he needs her to tell him if there's something about her that she needs to know. She looks sad and nods. "Tell me." "Can't." "As your husband, as the man you love. Tell me." "I wanted to, from the moment I knew we would spend our lives together, I wanted to tell you... I thought they would destroy you. So every year I just buried it deeper and deeper." "Christina!" "My parents were not from Cuba." "Where are they from?" "The Dominican." BUM! Wait, what? "They're here illegally." Oh, they forged documents to sneak into Cuba so they could go from there to America. That's her big secret. Or it's the big secret she tells him. He accepts it. She looks around shiftily. I still think he should get her DNA tested.

Jarvis is at the doctor's for an acupuncture treatment. There are two doctors and a secret service agent in there. The acupuncturist pokes his shoulder and uses significant language to describe the procedure: "Quick and painless, and the problem will be eliminated. For good." The agent leaves Jarvis alone to get dressed. He finds a packet of sugar in his pocket. As he walks out, the acupuncturist texts Sophia.

Murmansk, Russia. Oh, more snow scenes. Great. People use a block and tackle to lift out a frozen mummy.

Jarvis enters the Situation Room, where the only person present is preparing coffee and pastries. He asks for a croissant, which requires the pastry-minder to go somewhere else. Once he's alone, he switches his sugar for the one that's on the saucer. As soon as he's done, everyone else comes in. Close-up on the cup as the meeting begins and the episode ends.

Follow Monty on Twitter: @montykins. Come on, do it! You can email Monty at montykins@gmail.com if that's your idea of a good time.

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The Event

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