Fifty-one million viewers. Viewing parties. A backwoods backstabber. Bryant Gumbel. It doesn't get much more surreal than this. We bring you the artificially sweetened reality that is the final Survivor.
Ultimate last-episode props to the MBTV Vegas crew, Joanna, Wing and Glark, and most of all Jeff Probst for keepin' it real. It's on, Jeff, 'till the break 'a dawn. But you already knew that.
Previously on Survivor: Everybody was confused and shocked after J.R. was shot because, even though he was a bastard, no one ever thought somebody would actually try to kill the guy. So Sue Ellen came over and...oh, wait, that's Dallas. On the other show where a magnificent, corpulent bastard takes center stage, we see clips of past episodes in which sixteen Americans are stranded in Malaysia with little food and in dangerous conditions. Not to make shoes for Nike, but to win a million dollars. We see a montage of clips, including Gervase hooting, Gretchen making a fire, and a wild snake trying to bite the camera for attention. But more about Sue later. "It was to become the ultimate human experiment," narrator Jeff Probst promises. Until Survivor II which will be the ultimate cloning of a human experiment. We get clips of Sue going on about why the corporate world won't work out here (this is before her Letterman appearance and her post-Survivor endorsement deals). We get B.B. bitching and Rudy being crotchety. We get replays of a swimming challenge and of course, shots of the mysterious and not-at-all-cheesy-we-swear-love,-CBS tribal council where one member is voted off every week. We are shown the first six to be booted off the island (unlike people booted in the forums, they don't come back unless invited). We see the two tribes combining to form Rattana, which sounds like a kind of wicker furniture you would buy through a Pottery Barn catalog. We see Richard do his "I started a fire, bitches, how ya like me now?" prissy dance. We are shown the alliances forming -- Richard and his gang, Jenna and Colleen (this was an alliance the way Sad Clown Paintings were a recognized art movement: It never really took off), and Richard and Rudy (the snake and the crab, as it were). We see Sue and Kelly lose their budding Sapphic friendship. And then we see Sean's dumb ass get voted off (at the reunion special, he's the one who'll be asking, "Wait...you mean I didn't win a million dollars? Then who did I vote for?") We see the last four: Richard, Susan, Rudy and Kelly. They are in a battle to see who will be the Sole Survivor. I am in a battle to get through a two-hour episode recap. Let's see who'll be the last one standing.