The case: Two young guys covered by diplomatic immunity are charged with the rape and murder of a college student found at the end of a booze cruise. One of them is Taiwanese, which is the only country not covered by the usual because of how China is super creepy; the other one turns out not to be taking a full load, and also could be charged. The Taiwanese kid did it, the Dutch kid helped cover it up, and Cary eventually arrests the Taiwanese kid free and clear after a tense phone conversation where Alicia tips him off by not saying what she's not saying she's saying, etc., and none of this matters anyway because the case is even more beside the point than usual.
What it spins, though: In order to negotiate the "thicket" of our gross relationship with China and their even grosser relationship with Taiwan -- and thus protect their gross client -- Diane gets Eli to call his ex-wife Vanessa (Parker Posey), who works for the State department. In return, she asks Eli to vet her for a state senatorship. Kalinda does her Kalinda stuff for him, and uncovers the fact that -- during their marriage, of course -- Parker slept with a lesser Bin Laden. So yeah, her run is out. Mostly it's about how fun you find it to watch Alan Cumming and Parker Posey act at each other -- depending entirely on if you like them and/or it is still the mid-'90s, which I do, and I guess it still is -- so it worked. I may hate Generation X but I reserve the right to absolutely love those two ladies, and I do.
(Although bonus awfulness points for absolutely the creepiest image of Alan Cumming's leprechaun semen and a Bin Laden cousin's regular semen mixing together in the psychodrama bain-marie of Parker Posey's very talented carnival vagina, which: Deal with that for one second. Somebody wrote that down on a piece of paper and then Alan Cumming said it and then Parker Posey on camera tried to explain to him -- to Alan Cumming, okay, who is like the Ron Jeremy of the enchanted sex forest, Alan Cumming who can't even introduce a PBS Mystery! without making you feel like you're being willingly prostituted to twinkling gnomes, that merry wanderer of the night Alan Cumming -- how semen works and how, like, vaginas work. And we watched this happen on TV.)
On Alicia's side, it gets her the opportunity to shepherd Caitlin (last name "Darcy," because how cute is that) through her first case, which also happens to be like the first guilty client or case L/G ever lost in the history of America. Zach shows up to deal with Alicia's computer, because Alicia is a Mom that Doesn't Understand Technology, so he gets to meet Will -- just as Celeste foretold -- and Will acts like a doofus of the highest order. He's embarrassed, but Alicia's just creeped out by the streams crossing, making it even sadder when Will pretty much begs to meet her kids because he's in love with her, and she boxes him out like Muhammad Ali from even thinking that's a possibility. Of greater importance in the episode is the fact that Alicia, of course, likes the new kid Caitlin way more than she wants to. (As does Will, it seems.)
Of all things, it's the Cary Agos of it all that gets pride of place this week: While Matan enjoys himself by busting Cary farther and farther down the official totem pole until he's working out of a broom closet with only his red Swingline for company, and weirdly telling Cary's new gal (Dana, a soon-to-be-ex ASA) about his romantic ethnic preferences and whatever other bullshit he can pull, by the end of the episode Peter's randomly promoted Cary to Deputy State's Attorney, with the biggest office you ever did see. (Making Chris Noth even more of a "special" guest star, I guess, in weeks to come, since that's basically about making Cary the adversary every week.)
I don't know. The episode felt about five minutes long and was mostly about Alicia making weird faces, which is fine, and all the left-field Cary emphasis was pretty interesting. But even for this show, the case was shallow and the twists and turns weren't that mind-blowing. Grace is still super weird -- but no tutor stuff, thank God -- Zach wants Alicia to start dating I think, Will is getting steamrolled by Alicia's denial, Kalinda was barely present (with which bullshit I'm about done, frankly), Eli is still just yelling all the time for no real reason, and I have even less idea of where this season is going than last week. In the end, everything settled into an agreeable place, the new kid has designs on Will (and knows about their affair?), and Cary's got a brand new bag. Those are all good things.
Next week: I think Alicia might be a terrorist or something. It's all very political.
Lady: "I brought you to dinner to tell you I am quitting the State's Attorney's office to go into defense."
Cary: "Are you that FBI lady that was going to be in a love triangle with me and Kalinda?"
Lady: "No, I am not."
Cary: "Are you the US Attorney's watchdog that follows me around?"
Cary: "I give up. Who are you?"
Lady: "I am your old friend Dana."
Cary: "Right, Dana! It's hard to follow what's going on with our office when people constantly appear and disappear and reappear and Peter Florrick's constantly making decrees that nobody ever follows up on."
Dana: "I don't much care either."
Cary: "So Dana, are we going to have sex before you're done with your job?"
Dana: "I have a boyfriend."
Cary: "So do I. It is Matan, he is very mean to me."
Dana: "That's very interesting. Here are some files of work."
Cary: "Hang on, we have to go to a crime."
Zach: "It's called the cloud. It's a simple way of doing work from home and sharing it on a server that you can access from work."
Alicia: "I don't understand technology."
Zach: "This show barely understands technology, so it's okay."
Grace: "Mom, when we go to Dad's what do you do with yourself? I bet you stand or sit and stare into space until we come back, like a robot."
Alicia: "Sure, let's go with that."
Zach: "Maybe you should date men. You know, outside your marriage."
Alicia: "This is making me uncomfortable. Oh look, a phone call from Will."
Zach: "Speak of the devil."
Alicia: "Tell me I have to go to a crime."
Will: "Our whole law firm of lawyers was busy, so we sent that new first-year, Caitlin. The one that you have every reason to hate because of David Lee yelling at you that time. I'm starting to think maybe you should go see how that's going."
BOOZE CRUISE CRIME SCENE
Dana: "A Booze Cruise is pretty self-explanatory. Let me explain it to you in detail anyway, because most of the people that watch this show grew up in Prohibition."
Cary: "You've been on a Booze Cruise?"
Dana: "I have been on all kinds of cruises. And boozes."
Young Maya Nichols got found dead in the bottom of a boat, with only one (CLUE) of her two seasickness bands on her wrists. Apparently she was being harassed by college kids before she was killed. And what I say is, them as pinched it done her in. The suspects that maybe raped and killed her are both diplomatically immune from prosecution. Some Dutch bureaucrat is very excited about making sure the Dutch kid doesn't get a suspect rape exam; our L/G client this week is the other one, Chen Jin-Pyn, and the Chinese ambassador hasn't arrived yet to start yelling.