Jeffrey: "You're ignoring me? What am I, your 18-year-old son?"
Cary: "Yeah, it occurred to me that fuck you."
Jeffrey: "What? That's crazy! I just need one call to Diane Lockhart!"
Cary: "I just needed one call on my birthday, you selfish Baby Boomer piece of shit."
Jeffrey: "But the cat's in the cradle! The silver spoon!"
Cary: "Suck it, homeboy. Like I have any reason to impress you."
Jeffrey: "But I should have everything I want!"
Cary: "You got what you wanted. An independent kid."
Jeffrey: "Don't think I'll be calling you to beg for other things!"
Cary: "Um, okay."
COMMISSIONER #3 (MARTINEZ)
Martinez & Punch: "Hey, but what about our secret meeting without you?"
Alicia & Cary, essentially: "Look at all this paper!"
Burl: "Nice, actually. I mean, I guess since you're here..."
Dodd: "I was raising awareness."
Commissioner: "And this did that?"
Dodd: "Provocation is memorable, sir."
Commissioner: "Class answer. But my particular bugaboo is rape jokes. See, what sets me apart from and makes me better than most other people is that I'm firmly against sexual assault. I know that's a controversial stance, but I have my convictions."
Women Everywhere: Are amazed and astounded by this powerful declaration. Many of them even rethink their own pro-rape stance as a result. We're changing lives here, people.
Commissioner: "And a long time ago, in a completely unrelated context, you told a rape joke that goes, Rape is never funny, unless you get raped by a clown. Your explanation?"
Dodd: "...That was before Twitter? I have much stronger material now? Because I know your ignorant ass isn't asking me why I think getting raped by a clown would be funny. That's not how jokes work. That's not how rapes work. That's certainly not how clowns work. Getting raped by a clown would be like getting raped squared."
Alicia: "What the fuck does this have to do with anything?"
Commissioner: "It doesn't! But I sure do like talking about rape. [He proves this.]"
Cary: "The difference between a joke that makes light of rape and a joke that simply uses the word 'rape' can be subtle. Especially if you're more interested in making the conversation about you, or incapable of thinking in terms that aren't about yourself, or just used to derailing all conversations into being about what a hero you are."
Dodd: "Nah, you know what, it's a stale bit. Rape's not funny."
Commissioner: "Then why did you tell the joke?"
Dodd: "If I could get into a time machine and somehow erase you from ever having to hear that scary bad word that scares you so bad even though it's a word, I would. But since that is retarded and you are retarded, I'll simply call myself a bad, bad girl and hope you forgive li'l ol' me."