Hamish Linklater's DOJ official, David LaGuardia, approaches Eli with what seems like an investigation into questionable contributions to ex-wife Parker Posey's campaign, if you can remember back that far. But once a very incredibly awesome Diane Lockhart gets involved, it turns out that once again the only thing anybody ever cares about is Peter Florrick.
The mysterious FBI photo of Kalinda and Eli, that Nick stole, is still not in play, but after Diane and Eli tell LaGuardia to go to hell, the fall season ends with the Department of Justice raiding Gold & Assoc. To be honest, I'm not even sure that was meant to be a storyline so much as setting up the 2013 half of the season; if there was more to it, I didn't catch it as it was happening. Still, tough times for Eli means tough times for Peter. Or actually for everybody, since he bitches so much.
Alicia spends her few minutes away from the very complicated case of the week trying to figure out who has been googling "types of condoms" on her ChumHum and throwing around an insane amount of made-up tech-speak, as is her wont. Zach is still dating Invisible Nisa, but they don't need the Talk; Grace is shoved into sudden curiosity about sex after Alicia makes the rare blunder of referring to abstinence as being a "good girl," which is so beneath her that I hope Grace fucked Hot Connor like that day. Gross me out, Alicia.
But really gross me out because eventually Zach's research turns up the fact that the person googling the condoms was in fact -- as you probably guessed -- good old Jackie Florrick. Their shared mother/son horror about this discovery is so adorable that it almost makes up for the Grace thing. Almost.
Alicia's conundra do not end there, though. The legal stuff this week is less complicated than it sounds, but basically there are two guys on trial for this chick's murder. One of them is in Chicago, where the girl died, and the other one is in her home county, where the killer dropped her body. In order to help Will defend the Chicago boyfriend against Captain Hellinger, Alicia runs info back to help prosecute the other boyfriend. (He is being defended by Becky Ann Baker, regulation hottie, whose appearance excited me even more than Linklater and about which I had no foreknowledge, and who deserves a TV show just where she goes around having sex with young guys and like solving crimes with psychic powers.)
Anyway, it's a whole thing where cats are lying down with dogs and prosecutors are working for defense attorneys and everybody's trying to screw everybody else's case. Hellinger continues to be fabulous, calling bullshit on Will left and right with such precision that I think he's developing a little crush. Once Kalinda figures out that we're defending the guilty guy, Alicia takes us all the way back to kindergarten once again about what a defense attorney actually does, but in such a way that it's actually valid this time: They are helping condemn the innocent and letting a murderer go free, regardless of who the client is. It ends probably as cleanly as it possibly could, though: After both cases are pronounced guilty, though, Will and the Captain agree over drinks that they'll help with the innocent one's appeal.
And in Kalinda News, Nick Savarese finally does the one thing. You know what I'm talking about: After getting fed up with his bullshit, Alicia fixes him with a steely eye and personally fires him again as a client, so he gets up in her face and threatens her. First Cary's face, and now Alicia? No way. Get him out of here. Certainly that's all Kalinda needed to hear, so after confirming that he's transporting drugs and smashing up his towyard, she provides him with money and an escape... Which he then refuses to take. Prompting her to, I think, kill him. You don't mess with Alicia, dude.
I mean, it's unclear. And my hope is that it remains unclear, and we never hear about it again, because it's actually a brilliant solution: The reason the Nick story got cut short was that people hated it, and the reason people hated it was that it made Kalinda look dumb and weak and boring, and also because it removed some of the Kalinda Mystery. So, how about you resolve it with a capper of total mystery? Preferably one that puts the Kalinda/Alicia bromance back at the center of things, the way it should be? I mean, it's really elegant. I'll always wonder what might have been, but if they had to shutter this early, I love the way they did it.
Next Year: Campaign stuff, presumably. We haven't heard from Maddie or Kresteva in a long time, and now that Eli's had his precious office supplies commandeered there's no telling how nuts he and Diane will go on the DOJ. I'm guessing if this Trustee stuff doesn't get wrapped up soon, Diane will just become a terrorist anyway, so this might be two birds with one stone. Mostly it'll just be nice to have Kalinda back in-house instead of running around having sex with ice cream and knives and whatever, considering the two people that make her wonderful to watch now share an office. Right? Can we just get back there already?
Kalinda's ex-husband showed up and didn't really do anything too bad until Cary figured out he was using his towtrucks to move drugs -- which makes so much sense it's amazing nobody thought of that before -- and he got beat. Now they are sort of threatening each other with death, and who knows what will happen. Peter's campaign continues apace, but it's hard to say what is really happening since this tail end of the Fall Season has been so schizoid about which parts of ongoing storylines come up in any given week.
Eli's listening to BWV 808 on his earbuds, reading pollsterisms and eating lunch, cutely playing along with his fingers like nervous pianists tend to do when distracted.
Hamish Linklater: "I'm adorable! Take out your earbuds so we can chat about things! I nervously play air accordion sometimes. Although I am just a beginner."
Eli: "I don't care about you or your accordion proficiency. Leave me to my charts and graphs."
Hamish Linklater: "Hey, are you Eli Gold? I'm voting for Peter Florrick for sure!"
Eli: "Ugh, always with the fans. It's like campaign managers and fixers are the new rock stars."
Hamish Linklater: "Yeah, that's exactly what it's like. Listen, when you were doing crisis management, you had Wooster-Graff Industries as a client, yeah?"
Eli: "I have to go now. Goodbye, Hamish Linklater."
Hamish Linklater: "David LaGuardia is my name, and Justice is my game. Department Of. We're gonna be fast friends, I can..."
808 starts playing again. All that is left of Eli is a spinning diner-counter stool and a variety of papers wafting to the floor. But is David LaGuardia downhearted? No! He is plucky and adorable! As always! Even with his hair chopped off, which I always thought would be like Samson if that happened, and take away his powers. Luckily, it just makes him seem more like an actual man and less like your friend's older brother, who can drive, and poorly play accordion, and who makes you aware of a certain thing you will one day come to realize is called sexuality.
(I defy you to come up with a better description of the Hamish Linklater Thing.)
GOLD & ASSOC
Eli: "Batten down the hatches and get me Greg Leshoure from Wooster-Graff Industries! I have a gavotte in my head going faster and faster. I realize I am constantly flipping out like a poodle about everything all the time, but this is no drill."
Nora: "My name is apparently Nora. I am awesome, like one of those assistants on The West Wing where you realize you've totally been crushing on me for like two years without even noticing it, until they say my name or I have a storyline of some kind and then you're like, 'Yeah! Nora! That's the ticket!'"
Eli: "...Actually, instead of talking to Greg Leshoure, I need to talk to Mommy. Give me your phone."
Nora: "But I am talking to my literal mother."
Eli: "I will hit you. I'm tiny but I'm quick."