GOLD & ASSOC.
The Candidate is named Robert Mulvey, and he is gorgeous in that presidential, white-teeth, blonde-helmet, TV-ready Romney Perry Quayle square-jawed way. And what he thinks about that mysterious picture is: That it is awesome.
Mickey: "It's the ridicule factor, sir. Like Anthony Weiner."
Mulvey: "Yeah, but Anthony Weiner took his clothes off and photographed himself for his constituents. This is just..."
Eli: "You, fellating Santa."
Every Man when he says that word: "Pause. No homo. No homo. Pause. No homo."
Eli: "...A giant Santa statue, with your back to the camera, going to down on his jolly elf dick."
ibid., verbatim: "I have to be blunt, sir, because that's how TMZ is gonna report it, FOX is gonna repeat it, and Jon Stewart is gonna finish it. Here. Comes. Santa."
They sit there for awhile chewing on that one. Mickey tries some kind of "changing a lightbulb" defense, and Mulvey is just like, "Blowjob jokes! What's the prob?"
Eli: "Jokes are okay. But this is a joke about you fellating Santa. And Santa's expression [Which is O.O] does not help."
Eli's Strategy: Same as always, get out in front of it. His one trick.
Eli: "You're the Facebook Generation, sir. Every candidate under forty has some dumb photo from some dumb college buddy. Krystal Ball and the reindeer nose?"
Everybody: (Tries to remember that, because it seems like forever ago, because we are the Facebook Generation. Except for Alicia, who can barely work her phone. Moms!)
Eli: "Are there any more photos out there?"
Truth: "I maybe have a problem with sucking the dicks of statuary!"
Zach is awesome, Marissa sucks. They are in love. Eli hates this in so very many ways. Zach could do better, on a scale that is impressive. Marissa used to rule. She is still better than Grace, though.
So the bad news is that Ricky Packer picked up two 14-year-old girls from a shopping mall, raped them over three days, then slit their throats. Yeah.