Hayden: "Jesus Christ, look at you."
Cary: "I know. I wish I could say you get used to it, but..."
Hayden: "Uh, anyway. I hear you do a good job, so I am going to get you an office."
Cary: "I'm used to having things handed to me, so whatever."
Hayden: "Also, if you need anything. Anything."
Cary: "You mean like a backrub, or..."
Hayden: "Yeah. Also, if you have any suggestions on people to fire, or offices to hand over to other people... Really anything. Don't limit your scope. At all. Blue sky that bitch. I mean it. Anything you want. Any time. You want my number? Here's my number."
L/G: "So you're a lady."
Beth: "I am."
L/G: "With working lady parts."
Beth: "No complaints so far."
L/G: "And what was your relationship with the deceased?"
Beth: "We were more than friends, but less than exclusive."
Luthor: "Gay dudes can date or even marry women! This is the '90s!"
(Objection sustained. Slow your roll, Lionel Luthor.)
L/G: "And so when you were fucking him, did he seem super gay to you?"
Beth: "I would say no."
L/G: "Okay and did he also have sex with a bunch of guys?"
Beth: "No way, he was black. Uh, I mean 'religious.'"
L/G: "But you know everybody thought he was gay, right? Because he was so fancy."
Judge: Is very fancy, by the way.
Beth: "Yeah. Everybody thought he was gay because of his fanciness. Joke's on them!"
Lionel: "It doesn't matter if he was actually gay or merely fancy! The hate in a hate crime comes from the person, not the facts."
Diane: "Your Honor, this lawsuit has gone far afield..."
Judge: "That's true. And as a fancy, fancy man who happens to have a curvaceous, smoking-hot wife and a very happy, very sexual marriage..."
L/G: "...Aw, shit."
Eli: "So you're having drinks with Maddie Hayward tonight..."
Alicia: "The fuck you know that, little guy."
Eli: "I know everything. Now, tell her that Peter didn't really bone that girl..."
Alicia: "We are having a perfectly normal courtship, Eli. Just two women getting to know each other in a strictly heterosexual way by going on public dates and sharing intimate details of life lived under surveillance. I am not about to kill the vibe and just launch into some story about my husband's wayward peen."
Eli: "You will if you know what's good for you. Maybe she'll bring it up. By which I mean, now that I put a bug in your ear you'll be parsing everything she says for a reason to defend your husband, because it reflects better on you if your marriage is what you say it is."