For tonight's performance, the Front of Chris Noth's Head will be played by: Chris Noth.
ATM From the '80s: "Sorry, you have no '80s money!"
Cute Young Dad: "And here it is my young son's birthday. Maybe they have some fun, conveniently inexpensive toys or playthings in this strip mall. Oh, look! You can get your checks cashed. I just wish I had some checks."
Convenience Store From The '70s: "Lowest Prices In Town!"
Cute Young Dad: "That's the ticket, by gum."
Register Fellow: "Don't rob me!"
Cute Young Dad: "That's an odd thing to say. Here's another! Do you have any toys that a young boy would like? Let's see. Do children enjoy... Chewing tobacco? Or a hotdog that has been rolling and rolling, over and over, forever?"
Convenience Store From The '70s: "Perhaps a greeting card would best express your sentiments of emotion."
Cute Young Dad: "Do you have any card that says, like, Sorry I am a poor provider, but I'm new to things such as money and what convenience stores sell, or maybe I hope you enjoy this chewing tobacco and a condom for your birthday?"
Register Fellow: "Maybe there are toys in the back. I don't know what's back there."
Moments later, while CYD is back there looking at gardening clippers and garroting wire and thinking maybe this, maybe that, a man robs the register guy, who was psychic all along. He says things like, "Don't you fool with me!" and "I'll blast your ass!" But then he does fool with the robber, and the robber does blast his ass.
Things become very suspenseful, because CYD hits the bricks the second they raise their voices, and he's all alone in there, like an Amish boy in a public bathroom, with a killer. And then his cell phone goes off! It is ringing, ringing, ringing. And that's heartpounding, the hearts are pounding, and some feet are footpounding, getting closer to him and to his ultimate demise, but then no. It is just a hot cop. His feet sounded scary, but they were actually protective, and strong, and ready to work the beat.
He shushes CYD, and continues on into the even bowelier bowels of the convenience store. And the last thing CYD hears, before losing both continence and consciousness, is the hot cop going, "For Chrissake it's like a damn toy store back here."
Cute Yong Mom: "Holy shit! You were in a robbery of a convenience store? How scary!"
Cute Young Dad: "I am fairly shaken. Hey, a smarmy blonde dude is approaching me in the middle of this police station as though we have much to discuss, can I call you back?"
Cary: "Bitches be talking, right? I have a wife just like you, and man, she won't get off the fucking phone for anything."
Cute Young Dad, Mr. Dolan: "Who is it, that you are?"
Cary: "I am tricking you is what I am."