Colin: "Nope! I also want to say that I didn't have oral sex with that woman, or any sex, or know what the word is means, or anything like that, because I had a skin condition that prohibited me from getting blowjobs."
Alicia: "Your Honor, pursuant to the Code of Professional Responsibility, I have no further questions at this time. Fuckin' hell."

STATE'S ATTY

Cary: "They feel really bad. One of them is the other's direct supervisor, though."
Peter: "Works under him, you might say."
Cary: "Sir, disciplining two gay men for having gay sex is gonna look bad. Like how we keep firing black people."
Peter: "It's not that they're gay, or that they're having gay sex, or even that it was on my couch. It's because the rules are rules. Zero tolerance for sex in the office, and even zeroer tolerance when it's a supervisory thing."

Cary: "...Guess I shoulda gotten dumped by Dana before I was her boss, then."

LOCKHART & ASSOC

Ms. Sharma: "Good news! Gerald's been paying off Ms. Swift from a shell company in the Caymans."
David Lee: "Bad news! It's totally his kid!"

Colin: "For the last time, I did not sleep with that woman!"For The Record: That's now at least two too many Clinton jokes. It's 2012 for God's sake.
Diane: "I cannot sell immaculate conception in court."
David Lee: "No way, this actually happens all the time. Women blow you, and then spit the semen into a turkey baster, and then inseminate themselves immediately after..."
Alicia: "Oh my God. Stop. Please."
Colin: "Well, that's probably what happened then. Women, I tell ya."
Diane: "Okay, team. Let's set back the women's movement fifty years and plead contraceptive fraud. With the payoff from Gerald, that makes Ms. Swift a giant baby-making whore, like all women are, and we won't even need the injunction because they'll just repeat the election without Gerald anyway."
Alicia: "I feel good about the work we do."

David Lee: "Alicia? Sweetie, honey, darling? Are you listening? Because I am about to fuck you up for ruining my niece's life. Your Mean Girl tactics and woman-hating jealousy have finally driven her from the firm."
Alicia: "Plausible deniability!"
David Lee: "Everybody knows women can't get along. They always fight."
Alicia: "That's just a lie they tell us so we won't team up and start a riot."
David Lee: "Nevertheless, we are enemies now."
Alicia: "As opposed to last week, when I fired you for putting me on blast, and you gave me this same speech. Or when we hired Caitlin, and you nearly shattered my office walls giving me this same speech. Or any of the other million times you've been a dick to me since the day that girl showed up."
David Lee: "Women! Crabs in a barrel."