Eli: "No, it is a campaign against anti-Muslim bigotry, which is well within my wheelhouse of crisis management and public relations and lobbying."
Michael: "No! It is you being a bad Jew!"
Eli: "Actually, no bigotry is good bigotry. This isn't Ultimate Frisbee where we only win by making them lose."
Michael: "Allow me to introduce you to my friend American Politics."
Palestine: "All news and American discourse unfairly support Israel."
Israel: "All news and American discourse unfairly support Palestine."
Santayana: "A nation that does not learn the lessons of its history is destined to relive it."
Shimon Peres: "I have become totally tired of history because I feel history is a long misunderstanding. The past interests me like last year's snow. There is nothing to learn from history."
The Truth: Like I'm coming within six thousand miles of this. Please.
Michael: "Wait, this is because I hired Tarkovsky & Associates to do the Fund's PR."
Eli: "Yeah, it totally is."
Michael: "This isn't Israel/Palestine to you, it's Gold v. Tarkovsky."
Eli: "Yeah. See how my motives and intentions don't actually change? That's what I've been trying to tell you. The fact that you came here appealing to my sense of Jewish unity is only slightly appalling, but in that context this whole conversation becomes risible."
Michael, as a sort of last-minute Hail Mary (so to speak): "4000 years, and we are always our own worst enemy."
First the hardliner roommate, Amir.
Kalinda: "So you were driving his car around that night, carving up Jews?"
Amir: "Racist. I was busy praying. Toward Mecca? Look at the time code."
(They say "time code" so much in this episode; it's the new "phone.")
Kalinda: "Can anybody corroborate this? Any witnesses to this prayer?"
Amir: "Yeah. The Prophet Muhammad? Peace be upon him?"
Kalinda: "That was kind of a good one. That was a pretty good burn, Amir."
Now the hot piece, Tariq.
Kalinda: "Is Amir totally praying all the time code?"
Tariq: "Yeah. It really cuts into his online role-playing time code."
Kalinda: "Okay, did you yourself see him praying at this time code?"
Tariq: "No, I was too busy stabbing my Jewish lover Simon Greenberg about a million times in a jealous gay rage."
Kalinda: "And so... Wait, what was that?"
Tariq: "I said, I was at the interfaith rally."