Robyn Burdine: "Maybe he will brag more about things."
Cary: "...Yeah, that's the idea all right."
Diane: "You found something?"
Kalinda: "Tell me when to stop."
"Elena knew it was wrong to want Damon. She was about to marry Stefan, after all. Yet when Damon drew her close, Elena found herself unable to resist his vampire charms. When Damon's fangs dug into her neck, her whole body pulsed with desire. She needed him. She needed him bad."
Diane: "What the fuck is this now?"
Kalinda: "Your Vampire Diaries Delena fan fiction, obviously."
Diane: "I don't know what any of those words mean."
Kalinda: "And yet, you are a writer of this."
Diane: "First of all, if I had any taste I would be watching that show. But I don't, and if I did, I wouldn't feel compelled to write something like... Does it go on like that?"
Kalinda: "They fuck in a pickup truck."
Diane: "Bully for them, but no."
The acting here is so delicious, like, you spend part of the time thinking that we are learning something amazing about Diane, and the other half it's obvious Kalinda is having the best day of her entire life torturing Diane about this, but eventually she calms down.
Kalinda: "Well, it's your email address and your home IP address, so either you are one of those Ambien people that writes porn in their sleep, or..."
Diane: "My housekeeper. Sometimes she gets a British accent and talks about wanting to go to Prom for hours on end, but I just thought she was, you know. One of those."
Kalinda: "Well, turns out she is. And you need to fire her."
Diane: "Just for a harmless writing hobby?"
Kalinda: "First of all, fan-fic isn't writing, it's typing. And second of all, think about how ridiculous Eli Gold would make a person look with this to play with. And you're a woman? Hoo boy, this alone would hurt you more than the Santa Claus blowjob thing."
Diane: "In this day and age, a lonely woman can't just write copycat stories and masturbate over imaginary television characters without everybody thinking that's a super sad waste of time. Ah, feminism. Susan B. Anthony died for your sins!"
Kalinda: "It's true. You should see the shit fit the straight girls pulled after Julianna Margulies pointed out the obvious fact that we couldn't be friends for a while because I fucked her husband."