Alicia: "It doesn't, Peter. It doesn't make a damned bit of difference! Because now I am all kinds of yucked out by you again!"

MARG MO

Will: "Chancellor Carlyle, do you know what this is?"
Carlyle: "Mr. Gardner, I am the Chancellor of a Polytechnic Institute. I have seen a book before."
Will: "Do you know who wrote it?"
Carlyle: "A Chancellor by the name of Carlyle."
Will: "And where did you write it?"
Carlyle: "On a computer owned by the school, in my office which is owned by the school, using the library of the school..."
Will: "And then making your students buy it to take your classes, which is smooth. Hey, how much have you made in royalties on this little racket?"
Carlyle: "I don't know. I am not a math guy. My particular technics are in other areas."
Will: "$71,450. And I presume you gave all of that money to your college?"
Carlyle: "Oh right, because I'm an employee and thus subject to the same rules as everybody else."
Rita Wilson: "This is offensive! Companies are people!"

Will: "Hey Chancellor, did you know that Neil Gross went to your college also? I read about it in his autobiography, where he talked about how he invented ChumHum in your computer lab. The very computer lab that you are a Chancellor of."
Judge Marx: "Chancellor Carlyle, you are a douchebag. Rita Wilson, you are getting on my last nerve. Bring me the algorithm and cut this shit out."

COURTHOUSE

You know how when you see a baby you want to smell the top of it? I have that with babies, but I thought it was specifically only babies, until John Benjamin Hickey. All I want to do is smell the top of his head. Every time I see him, that's all I can think about. If you could do that in a stealthy fashion, like, what you would have to do. What if he's taller than you? Then you gotta be double stealthy in your ways. And so on. And then the story takes over and I end up in jail for being a 100 percent supercreep and my cellie is like, What are you in for, and I have to be like, You know when you see a baby? And by the time that story is over, I have missed the entire scene and have to rewind it and just be very mindful of like, "Don't even look at it, man. Look away."